When my boyfriend left me, I was so devastated. I sailed through a stream of emotions that left me so lost: shock, anger, hate, self pity, jealousy and then back to anger again. I planned to seek professional help but had put it off for a long time that when I did, it was almost too late. I had a problem concentrating on anything and my eating habits were at its worst-I ate only so I would not be admitted at the hospital for my ulcer. I had gone from a size 12 to an 8, in just a month.
When I started my counseling sessions, I found out, that what happened was the last of a chain of events. It started with problems at home. They had something to do with my mom and stepfather again. In our way to cope with it, my siblings and I had formed an alliance against the villains at home: mom and their dad. When I could not handle it anymore, I started denying the problem. I was physically present at home, yet I was in an inward depression. I slept early, 7 pm at the most-not eating dinner. The next day, I left early for work-not eating breakfast. Since, I spent time only on work; I had neglected everyone including my boyfriend
The real problem was with my family and my denying it had unconsciously affected my relationship with my boyfriend. The last year of our relationship was very rocky. I had unconsciously avoided talking to him and had hated whenever he would confide a problem in me. I began loosing respect for him: I doubted his ability to take care of me and decided not to trust him anymore. I did not see him as an equal but someone inferior to me. Now, I understand that my actions were the effects of problems at home. I could not stop getting hurt with the problems that were happening at home so, I put up a barrier between us- in a relationship that I had more control of things. This was a way to avoid getting hurt just in case things do not go well between us. Little did I know that my actions would backfire on me. He left me for another woman. I blamed him for the break up and I did not recognize my part in it. If he had not been self-centered, he would have known that my actions toward him were the result of my problems at home and were not intentionally done to hurt him. He should have helped me.
If I had sought counseling early, I could have saved my relationship with my boyfriend. But then again, things happen for a reason. I would not have learned this much about me if things did not happen the way it did-too painful. I just had to learn the hard way.
REMEMBERING
The first step we did in my counseling sessions was remembering and reflecting. The word “remember” alone made me anxious. I begged to just move on to present events and the course of actions I needed to take. But my counselor said that who I am today and how I see my life and the world can be explained by the past. For me to change my perspective, I needed to reframe the past. After all, my intention to engage in counseling was to understand the painful events that happened and to have peace of mind.
I had always blamed my mom and my past for the way I handle my relationships with men. I was born when my mom was in college and was left to the care of my grandparents, aunts and uncle. They treated me like a princess and had always gotten what I needed and wanted. However, things changed when they all relocated. I was left with my mom and her new family: she had gotten married 2 years after I was born. I did not get along well with my stepfather and neither did my mom and him. My siblings and I had very painful childhood. If anything good had come out of it, it was our staying together to be there for each other. Unconsciously, we hated our mom but loved her dearly-if only she would leave her husband. Things mellowed down as we grew up but there were still incidents of conflicts that would happen and leave us all hurt. It would bring up the past and we would once again find ourselves very angry at our mom. We would be on tip toe for weeks. My mom would smother us with affection and love. We were careful no to hurt her, so we agreed to anything.
My mom’s choice in men: irresponsible and lacked the ability to hold a job and be financially stable, had made me set up high standards in my own choice. I had dreamed of the perfect guy: rich and responsible-a guy without flaws. I had always compared guys I had relationship to, to my standards and was always apprehensive-not really showing my love, when they did not meet up to them, which was always the case.
Remembering had enraged me so much that I began to unconsciously show actions that diverted or stopped me from doing the next work. I put on a false self that had me pretending to be either vary happy or just did not care about my problems. My counselor explained that this was signal anxiety and we had to deal with it. So we did, before we moved further to reflecting and reframing my past. (I will discuss how I dealt with anxiety in my next post)
REFLECTING
I was told that to reflect, I must take a leap of faith-that much of what I know might be wrong. I should drop the blame and labels of my family for me to have a wider perspective. She had asked me to be receptive: explore further with an open heart and mind. I was made to go back to moments of conflicts, but asked not to react to it-she knew the pain and anger would be back.
There was one incident that happened recently that had made me tell my mom, she did not pity us for what we were going through. It made my mom so sad that she told us they would just leave us-me and my siblings. This made me take things into my own hands; I started taking responsibility over my sibling’s needs. But in the end, this has made me even angrier because when I needed money for my own needs, there was none.
I had reflected on that moment very often: my mom would leave us for him. Why? I was asked to widen my view by looking back to the time she met my biological father. She must have fallen in love with him because they had eloped and lived together for some time. However, my father was a scoundrel and could not be committed to a woman for a long time. Eventually, he left her and my mom had to go back home to face shame and contempt. I could just imagine the pain she must have felt. She was pregnant and without a husband to be there for her. I now understood her reaction to protect her relationship with her husband; she did not want to be left alone again. Her actions toward us were not intentionally done to hurt us, but her way of coping. I now understand, but it did not mean that I agree with her. With her past experience with my dad and the poverty she grew up in, she longs for attention and love, which blinds her from things she should not hold on to-things that needed change.
With my new perspective, I began observing my mom with renewed feelings: loving and understanding, not with judgment and hate. Despite our conflicts, she really loves us and has always been proud of our achievements. She had always made a way to provide us with our needs.
Incidents happen not because of someone’s willful acts but because of a more fundamental human weakness: inability to stop harm from happening. We should not deny our past but rather see it in a wider perspective because our perspective of it might be limited-because of the person who had observed the past: a child/teenager.
Incidences of conflicts takes up only a small percentage of life yet the meaning and importance we give it influences how we see our self in the world-as neglected, a victim as struggling/successful. With my limited view of the past, I had always considered myself the victim of my mom’s mistakes. I now understand that those incidents happened not to hurt me. The past can be used to explain who I am today, but I am the story teller, I choose to have a different moral of the story. Yes, the isolation was very painful, yet I can triumph over it by re connecting with my family-my mom and the people whom I have hurt.
I have defined who I am with my limited perspective of the past. Now with a wider perspective, my definition of myself is gone. Who am I then? I find my self shaky and afraid to find out who I really am, but with the help of my family and friends, I know I can take on this journey: a journey to find myself.
I know for one that I do not want a grand guy-a guy without flaws. I want a guy human enough to make mistakes, but mature enough to recognize them and improve. I want a guy who is not rich but who is hard working enough like me. I do not care for riches because I have never wanted to be rich; I only want my needs to be met. I need a guy I can mature and grow old with and most importantly, a guy I can love unconditionally.
In my wish to fix things, I have again made another mistake. I have hurt again, the person I once loved and still do. I tried to wake up the old sleeping dog, when he was not ready to talk. I am deeply sorry. I hope that he reads this. I hope he finds it in him to forgive me and stop reacting to the past so we can reconnect again, as friends. I truly respect you and have always admired your optimism. You have always proven your worth, going against the odds and fate. I do not want your anger to affect any relationship you have. TIME HEALS NOTHING and I hope we can talk soon, without the pain and anger.
When I started my counseling sessions, I found out, that what happened was the last of a chain of events. It started with problems at home. They had something to do with my mom and stepfather again. In our way to cope with it, my siblings and I had formed an alliance against the villains at home: mom and their dad. When I could not handle it anymore, I started denying the problem. I was physically present at home, yet I was in an inward depression. I slept early, 7 pm at the most-not eating dinner. The next day, I left early for work-not eating breakfast. Since, I spent time only on work; I had neglected everyone including my boyfriend
The real problem was with my family and my denying it had unconsciously affected my relationship with my boyfriend. The last year of our relationship was very rocky. I had unconsciously avoided talking to him and had hated whenever he would confide a problem in me. I began loosing respect for him: I doubted his ability to take care of me and decided not to trust him anymore. I did not see him as an equal but someone inferior to me. Now, I understand that my actions were the effects of problems at home. I could not stop getting hurt with the problems that were happening at home so, I put up a barrier between us- in a relationship that I had more control of things. This was a way to avoid getting hurt just in case things do not go well between us. Little did I know that my actions would backfire on me. He left me for another woman. I blamed him for the break up and I did not recognize my part in it. If he had not been self-centered, he would have known that my actions toward him were the result of my problems at home and were not intentionally done to hurt him. He should have helped me.
If I had sought counseling early, I could have saved my relationship with my boyfriend. But then again, things happen for a reason. I would not have learned this much about me if things did not happen the way it did-too painful. I just had to learn the hard way.
REMEMBERING
The first step we did in my counseling sessions was remembering and reflecting. The word “remember” alone made me anxious. I begged to just move on to present events and the course of actions I needed to take. But my counselor said that who I am today and how I see my life and the world can be explained by the past. For me to change my perspective, I needed to reframe the past. After all, my intention to engage in counseling was to understand the painful events that happened and to have peace of mind.
I had always blamed my mom and my past for the way I handle my relationships with men. I was born when my mom was in college and was left to the care of my grandparents, aunts and uncle. They treated me like a princess and had always gotten what I needed and wanted. However, things changed when they all relocated. I was left with my mom and her new family: she had gotten married 2 years after I was born. I did not get along well with my stepfather and neither did my mom and him. My siblings and I had very painful childhood. If anything good had come out of it, it was our staying together to be there for each other. Unconsciously, we hated our mom but loved her dearly-if only she would leave her husband. Things mellowed down as we grew up but there were still incidents of conflicts that would happen and leave us all hurt. It would bring up the past and we would once again find ourselves very angry at our mom. We would be on tip toe for weeks. My mom would smother us with affection and love. We were careful no to hurt her, so we agreed to anything.
My mom’s choice in men: irresponsible and lacked the ability to hold a job and be financially stable, had made me set up high standards in my own choice. I had dreamed of the perfect guy: rich and responsible-a guy without flaws. I had always compared guys I had relationship to, to my standards and was always apprehensive-not really showing my love, when they did not meet up to them, which was always the case.
Remembering had enraged me so much that I began to unconsciously show actions that diverted or stopped me from doing the next work. I put on a false self that had me pretending to be either vary happy or just did not care about my problems. My counselor explained that this was signal anxiety and we had to deal with it. So we did, before we moved further to reflecting and reframing my past. (I will discuss how I dealt with anxiety in my next post)
REFLECTING
I was told that to reflect, I must take a leap of faith-that much of what I know might be wrong. I should drop the blame and labels of my family for me to have a wider perspective. She had asked me to be receptive: explore further with an open heart and mind. I was made to go back to moments of conflicts, but asked not to react to it-she knew the pain and anger would be back.
There was one incident that happened recently that had made me tell my mom, she did not pity us for what we were going through. It made my mom so sad that she told us they would just leave us-me and my siblings. This made me take things into my own hands; I started taking responsibility over my sibling’s needs. But in the end, this has made me even angrier because when I needed money for my own needs, there was none.
I had reflected on that moment very often: my mom would leave us for him. Why? I was asked to widen my view by looking back to the time she met my biological father. She must have fallen in love with him because they had eloped and lived together for some time. However, my father was a scoundrel and could not be committed to a woman for a long time. Eventually, he left her and my mom had to go back home to face shame and contempt. I could just imagine the pain she must have felt. She was pregnant and without a husband to be there for her. I now understood her reaction to protect her relationship with her husband; she did not want to be left alone again. Her actions toward us were not intentionally done to hurt us, but her way of coping. I now understand, but it did not mean that I agree with her. With her past experience with my dad and the poverty she grew up in, she longs for attention and love, which blinds her from things she should not hold on to-things that needed change.
With my new perspective, I began observing my mom with renewed feelings: loving and understanding, not with judgment and hate. Despite our conflicts, she really loves us and has always been proud of our achievements. She had always made a way to provide us with our needs.
Incidents happen not because of someone’s willful acts but because of a more fundamental human weakness: inability to stop harm from happening. We should not deny our past but rather see it in a wider perspective because our perspective of it might be limited-because of the person who had observed the past: a child/teenager.
Incidences of conflicts takes up only a small percentage of life yet the meaning and importance we give it influences how we see our self in the world-as neglected, a victim as struggling/successful. With my limited view of the past, I had always considered myself the victim of my mom’s mistakes. I now understand that those incidents happened not to hurt me. The past can be used to explain who I am today, but I am the story teller, I choose to have a different moral of the story. Yes, the isolation was very painful, yet I can triumph over it by re connecting with my family-my mom and the people whom I have hurt.
I have defined who I am with my limited perspective of the past. Now with a wider perspective, my definition of myself is gone. Who am I then? I find my self shaky and afraid to find out who I really am, but with the help of my family and friends, I know I can take on this journey: a journey to find myself.
I know for one that I do not want a grand guy-a guy without flaws. I want a guy human enough to make mistakes, but mature enough to recognize them and improve. I want a guy who is not rich but who is hard working enough like me. I do not care for riches because I have never wanted to be rich; I only want my needs to be met. I need a guy I can mature and grow old with and most importantly, a guy I can love unconditionally.
In my wish to fix things, I have again made another mistake. I have hurt again, the person I once loved and still do. I tried to wake up the old sleeping dog, when he was not ready to talk. I am deeply sorry. I hope that he reads this. I hope he finds it in him to forgive me and stop reacting to the past so we can reconnect again, as friends. I truly respect you and have always admired your optimism. You have always proven your worth, going against the odds and fate. I do not want your anger to affect any relationship you have. TIME HEALS NOTHING and I hope we can talk soon, without the pain and anger.
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