1. 24/7 Internet Connection. Internet is your lifeline so make sure you are connected to it all the time. You will be able to get good contracts if you visit the sites often. You will be able to do research without time constraint. And, having a 24/7 internet connection plan is cheaper.
2. Multi-coated Glasses. You will be facing the computer for long periods of time. If you don't have eye problems already, I am sure that after a month you will. Using multi coated glasses wil reduce the stress your eyes gets.
3. Coffee. Coffee to wake you up after a two-hour sleep. Coffee to last you till the wee hours. And [the aroma of] coffee to help you relax. Cheers to NESCAFE!
4. Vitamins. Drink your daily doze of vitamins. Working for long hours can be stressful. Although you may not feel the stress immmediately, when they do it may interfere with your work schedule. [Migraines can be very painful.] Vitamins B, C and Iron will equip you for the long hours of work. But do get a breather every once in a while. Don't corrupt your resouces.
5. Penguin Guide to Punctuation. Penguin Dictionary of Grammar. And, Penguin Guide to Plain English. I need not expain!
Well, there you have it! All you need to write for the internet.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Internet Writer Must-Haves
One Hell of a Month!
Whew! What a month! Time does passby so quickly. As much as I had promised myself to write on this blog, I just did not have the time. Although, I really do miss writing for myself.
What am I complaining for? Hahahaha! I should be happy that my efforts have finally paid off. Well, I am but how I wish I had more resources. I wish I have more time and more writers. Thank God cash and clients are the things I do not lack.
My lack of time can be resolved if I quit my day job. It is possiblbe but I still have to weigh the pros and cons. I did not get a degree just to throw it away. Well, it wouldn't be really throwing it away. I'd still be using my degree to manage my business and I would not have this business if not for it.
Monetary gain is also one of my concerns. What I earn in a week in my business, I earn for a month in my day job. Yes, the monetary gain is higher if I quit my day job, but I work freelance and have no permanent contracts. Although I know where to obtain clients, I have been educationally trained to firmly hold a bird in one hand rather than be content on the fact that there are many birds in the bush.
A friend once told me that there is more to life than work. I have been really thinking about what she said. If I quit my day job, I would have more time to do the things I really enjoy doing. Going out, reading, baking, spending time with family and [for this summer] going to the beach.
Well, I still have to think it over.
What am I complaining for? Hahahaha! I should be happy that my efforts have finally paid off. Well, I am but how I wish I had more resources. I wish I have more time and more writers. Thank God cash and clients are the things I do not lack.
My lack of time can be resolved if I quit my day job. It is possiblbe but I still have to weigh the pros and cons. I did not get a degree just to throw it away. Well, it wouldn't be really throwing it away. I'd still be using my degree to manage my business and I would not have this business if not for it.
Monetary gain is also one of my concerns. What I earn in a week in my business, I earn for a month in my day job. Yes, the monetary gain is higher if I quit my day job, but I work freelance and have no permanent contracts. Although I know where to obtain clients, I have been educationally trained to firmly hold a bird in one hand rather than be content on the fact that there are many birds in the bush.
A friend once told me that there is more to life than work. I have been really thinking about what she said. If I quit my day job, I would have more time to do the things I really enjoy doing. Going out, reading, baking, spending time with family and [for this summer] going to the beach.
Well, I still have to think it over.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
First Quarter Report
This year started out bad for me. However, a bad start does not signify a bad year. In fact, things are turning out rather well. It is true about what they say about problems turning out to be a gold mine.
It has been two months, where am I?
I have managed to get my name on the internet.
I am now the author of 6 published articles, which can be found on several sites on the web, and the author of 10 more which are in different stages of completion. It was not easy and I never thought it would. It is a common mistake to think that internet copywriting is easy. Yes, once you get a steady stream of clients, money will start to pour in. However, you will have to put in a lot of time and effort developing and enhancing your copywriting skills and your credibility as a writer. Even if you are the best print copywriter yet you do not know how to communicate the value of your services, then you won't succeed on the web. It is all about how to get clients and how to handle your clients.
Of Blogs and Feeds
I have managed to increase traffic on my blog and, unintentionally on this one too.
I never really thought about how hooked up I am on what I have been doing for the last two months. I drove by a shop, that had a FEEDS sign, one day. I was on an office errand and I usually do not think about my copywrting during office hours, [Yes, I have a day job] but when I saw the sign, it got my mind working. It got me to thinking about my site and articles FEEDS. It was not until I had resolved my FEEDS problem that I realized the shop was selling hog FEEDS!
More good things to come
Lem told me to expect more good things to come. Indeed, I am expecting more.
In less than two months I have learned new words, written articles and I now know the difference between a semicolon and a colon. At this rate, I am excited to know where I will be after a year.
I see the need to open another blog, one that would concentrate on copies for women's magazines. It will be hard work ahead, but I do not mind. I enjoy writing and working to get my blogs on search engines.
Thank you
Thanks to Lem, who introduced me to copywriting. I have found a way to redirect my anxiety. You know I needed this.
Thanks to my family who supports me and believes that I will keep the ball rolling until it gathers the momentum of a speed ball. I am expecting the new laptop and digicam, hahahaha!
It has been two months, where am I?
I have managed to get my name on the internet.
I am now the author of 6 published articles, which can be found on several sites on the web, and the author of 10 more which are in different stages of completion. It was not easy and I never thought it would. It is a common mistake to think that internet copywriting is easy. Yes, once you get a steady stream of clients, money will start to pour in. However, you will have to put in a lot of time and effort developing and enhancing your copywriting skills and your credibility as a writer. Even if you are the best print copywriter yet you do not know how to communicate the value of your services, then you won't succeed on the web. It is all about how to get clients and how to handle your clients.
Of Blogs and Feeds
I have managed to increase traffic on my blog and, unintentionally on this one too.
I never really thought about how hooked up I am on what I have been doing for the last two months. I drove by a shop, that had a FEEDS sign, one day. I was on an office errand and I usually do not think about my copywrting during office hours, [Yes, I have a day job] but when I saw the sign, it got my mind working. It got me to thinking about my site and articles FEEDS. It was not until I had resolved my FEEDS problem that I realized the shop was selling hog FEEDS!
More good things to come
Lem told me to expect more good things to come. Indeed, I am expecting more.
In less than two months I have learned new words, written articles and I now know the difference between a semicolon and a colon. At this rate, I am excited to know where I will be after a year.
I see the need to open another blog, one that would concentrate on copies for women's magazines. It will be hard work ahead, but I do not mind. I enjoy writing and working to get my blogs on search engines.
Thank you
Thanks to Lem, who introduced me to copywriting. I have found a way to redirect my anxiety. You know I needed this.
Thanks to my family who supports me and believes that I will keep the ball rolling until it gathers the momentum of a speed ball. I am expecting the new laptop and digicam, hahahaha!
And of course, my clients and the people who posted my articles on their sites. Expect more good, original and solid content from me.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The Biggest Mistake In My Life
I am a snob! Yes, it is true and I am not ashamed to say this. Yet, I can be funny and friendly in my own womanly way. I choose my firends well especially of the opposite sex. I do not spread myself too thinly, so, when I consider someone a friend, he/she is a friend for life.
When I was in college I got hooked on chat. I met a lot of persons, mostly Filipinos. I did not chat with foreigners; afraid that the cultural differences would get in the way of pursuing true friendship. To make the story short, I got hooked on someone and got dumped, several times, I might add.
I turned my back on him, the last time there was any dumping that happened. I could have moved to where he was, yet I opted to turn my back. Turning my back on him [and yes on love and companionship as well] was the hardest decision I had to make. I was not making rational decisions anymore, which was my trademark among my friends. My turning back gave me a good view of the relationship. And I realized, I had made the biggest mistake in my life. I was a snob for one reason, to keep away from the likes of him. The person who is so bitter enough not to maintain a friendship. I have things to say, and I hope you listen well:
When I was in college I got hooked on chat. I met a lot of persons, mostly Filipinos. I did not chat with foreigners; afraid that the cultural differences would get in the way of pursuing true friendship. To make the story short, I got hooked on someone and got dumped, several times, I might add.
I turned my back on him, the last time there was any dumping that happened. I could have moved to where he was, yet I opted to turn my back. Turning my back on him [and yes on love and companionship as well] was the hardest decision I had to make. I was not making rational decisions anymore, which was my trademark among my friends. My turning back gave me a good view of the relationship. And I realized, I had made the biggest mistake in my life. I was a snob for one reason, to keep away from the likes of him. The person who is so bitter enough not to maintain a friendship. I have things to say, and I hope you listen well:
1. May I remind you that you literally told me to get lost. With the things you called me, I would not want to do anything else.
2. I have changed my URl, meaning I do not want you to find me, but you did. Do not leave me any messages. I have no interest in you or in anything that you have to say.
3. I have nothing more to offer you, my offer of friendship do not stand anymore. I offered it that one time, and you forfeited it by not taking it. I could only care less for people who do not know the value of friends.
4. I do not know you, I never have.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
It's good to be home
Home at last! I spent a few days-boring days I might add, in the BIG city. I've always found the city a melancholic place to be in. I finished the things I needed to oversee early, and I found myself without nothing to do. How ironic is that? I was in the city that had everything!
My day started out rather nice. It had stopped raining, so with coffee in hand, I took a walk around. I always feel at peace here. I spend my weekdays in our house in the city(not the BIG city I was talking about) but this is where home is for me. Much of the highlights of my childhood were spent here. The memories I have were either with my great grandfather-he started this farm or with my young aunts and uncles. Life is simple here. To get what you need, you'd have to work for it. If you wanted fresh organic fruits and vegies, you'd have to plant them. If you wanted water, you'd have to work on the water pump. We did have an electric pump but electricity is a problem here: there isn't a week that goes by without a black out, that lasts for half a day.
When I went back in the house, I was feeling a liitle euphoric that I wanted to write. But just as I was about to , the electricity went out. I've just recently learned that life is all about making choices. If I chose to brood about not having electricity, my day would be ruined. I chose not to, so I busied myself with the morning chores that needed to be done. The hired help do not come on Sundays, so it was just me and my lola. I did the dishes-first cleaning the dirty kitchen and working with the water pump so I could stock-up the water I would need. My lola went about feeding the animals. It was good bonding for both of us. It's only been a while that I reconnected with her-due to my problem and all the sad things that had happened to me. Of all the people who would understand me most, it would be her. She encourages me to continue writing. When I'm a bit depressed about my writing she reminds me that I'm just starting, I'm still young and I have a lot to learn. I blame myself for not giving any attention to writing for the last eight years. My fourteen-year old cousin writes well and has already written a novel. I should have started when I was in high school. But as they say, better late than never.
My day started out rather nice. It had stopped raining, so with coffee in hand, I took a walk around. I always feel at peace here. I spend my weekdays in our house in the city(not the BIG city I was talking about) but this is where home is for me. Much of the highlights of my childhood were spent here. The memories I have were either with my great grandfather-he started this farm or with my young aunts and uncles. Life is simple here. To get what you need, you'd have to work for it. If you wanted fresh organic fruits and vegies, you'd have to plant them. If you wanted water, you'd have to work on the water pump. We did have an electric pump but electricity is a problem here: there isn't a week that goes by without a black out, that lasts for half a day.
When I went back in the house, I was feeling a liitle euphoric that I wanted to write. But just as I was about to , the electricity went out. I've just recently learned that life is all about making choices. If I chose to brood about not having electricity, my day would be ruined. I chose not to, so I busied myself with the morning chores that needed to be done. The hired help do not come on Sundays, so it was just me and my lola. I did the dishes-first cleaning the dirty kitchen and working with the water pump so I could stock-up the water I would need. My lola went about feeding the animals. It was good bonding for both of us. It's only been a while that I reconnected with her-due to my problem and all the sad things that had happened to me. Of all the people who would understand me most, it would be her. She encourages me to continue writing. When I'm a bit depressed about my writing she reminds me that I'm just starting, I'm still young and I have a lot to learn. I blame myself for not giving any attention to writing for the last eight years. My fourteen-year old cousin writes well and has already written a novel. I should have started when I was in high school. But as they say, better late than never.
My lola and I had lunch together. We had fresh fish and vegies. I ate plenty, which was very unlikely because of my bad eating habits lately. My lola was happy I did, I am too. It got me to thinking about the reason I eat plenty when I'm here. I know it's not the dishes we cook here because we usually have the same dishes in the city. Maybe, it is because I am happy here. I feel good about myself, and when I do, I feel my life has meaning. It motivates me to eat.
After lunch, there was still no electricity so I decided to write my copies the old fashioned way: in pen and paper. Two hours after:here I am, still writing, with David Benoit and Yanni on my playlist....
Washing my laundry in public?
My friend, after reading my post "A Journey", asked me why I posted, for all the world to read, what had happened to me. I simply told him that I do not care if the world knew what happened to me. Maybe they'd find something helpful in it for them.
Am I washing my laundry in public? I think not. I'm telling the world who I am.
I failed.
I was hurt.
I realized my mistakes and failures.
I accept the pain.
I am walking out of it with grace and my dignity intact.
I did not break any of the principles I believe and walk on.
I am proud to say I am Lil Feather.
I am not afraid to tell the world I am moody-I will always will.
I know I can love unconditionally.
SO...
I do not need to HIDE anymore.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Yes, there is a box!
There is a box.
Make rational decisions.
Think outside the box.
If you do not believe there is a box.
You.....
do not make rational decisions.
act or decide on impulse.
let emotions-mature or not, affect your decisions and actions.
often hurt the one you love and.....yourself
immature.
The box = emotional field
On Women
I came across this article in the papers today-03-07-2008 that I'd like to share. It's on the women in advertising. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to post it here. Just please go to inquirer website. Go to the business section, view all headlines then click on the 10 wishes for women in advertising. Enjoy!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Going Home
1. GROW UP! Your are not a child anymore, your needs and wants will not be realized if you just passively sit and wait.
2. GO HOME. The love you crave for is difficult to feel at a DISTANCE.
3. The decision of wether you are STRONG enough is YOURS alone to make.
4. You have the CHOICE not to bring back the blames and shame. Take your relationship out from the painful PAST.
5. Do not go home armed with the words "denial", "anxiety" and "solution". Instead ARM yourself with COMPASSION.
6. They do not need to be FIXED but rather, they need to be LOVED. If they are SECURE enough in your love, they will want change because they know that if they FAIL you will still love them.
7. ACCEPT and LOVE them despite their FLAWS.
8. Do not COMPARE them to others or your ideals.
9. There is a DIFFERENCE between APPROVAL and LOVE.
10. You do not need to like what they LIKE, eat what they EAT, be interested in their INTERESTS.
11. Change from ADVOCACY to INQUIRY. You will show more interest, respect and humility.
12. The ANSWER is just as powerful as the question. It can give you the MOTIVATION to listen.
13. If you truly LISTEN, you will find the meaning in everything, in everywhere, even in YOURSELF.
14. The respect you have for them is equal to the RESPECT you have for YOURself.
15. Do not be afraid to let you thoughts and feelings be KNOWN.
16. MONITOR you feelings and anxiety.
17. Be SECURE in you ability to love-without FEAR of engulfment and ABANDONMENT.
18. Greet each new day with the hope of change and IMPROVEMENT, not victory.
19. You will know when you have succeeded because you will be able to say "I am loved because I love" not "I love because I am loved" and also say "I need you because I love you" and not "I love you because I need you".
20. If you fail, ask yourself this: "Why did this happen again?" and "What am I going to LEARN this time?"
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
A Journey
When my boyfriend left me, I was so devastated. I sailed through a stream of emotions that left me so lost: shock, anger, hate, self pity, jealousy and then back to anger again. I planned to seek professional help but had put it off for a long time that when I did, it was almost too late. I had a problem concentrating on anything and my eating habits were at its worst-I ate only so I would not be admitted at the hospital for my ulcer. I had gone from a size 12 to an 8, in just a month.
When I started my counseling sessions, I found out, that what happened was the last of a chain of events. It started with problems at home. They had something to do with my mom and stepfather again. In our way to cope with it, my siblings and I had formed an alliance against the villains at home: mom and their dad. When I could not handle it anymore, I started denying the problem. I was physically present at home, yet I was in an inward depression. I slept early, 7 pm at the most-not eating dinner. The next day, I left early for work-not eating breakfast. Since, I spent time only on work; I had neglected everyone including my boyfriend
The real problem was with my family and my denying it had unconsciously affected my relationship with my boyfriend. The last year of our relationship was very rocky. I had unconsciously avoided talking to him and had hated whenever he would confide a problem in me. I began loosing respect for him: I doubted his ability to take care of me and decided not to trust him anymore. I did not see him as an equal but someone inferior to me. Now, I understand that my actions were the effects of problems at home. I could not stop getting hurt with the problems that were happening at home so, I put up a barrier between us- in a relationship that I had more control of things. This was a way to avoid getting hurt just in case things do not go well between us. Little did I know that my actions would backfire on me. He left me for another woman. I blamed him for the break up and I did not recognize my part in it. If he had not been self-centered, he would have known that my actions toward him were the result of my problems at home and were not intentionally done to hurt him. He should have helped me.
If I had sought counseling early, I could have saved my relationship with my boyfriend. But then again, things happen for a reason. I would not have learned this much about me if things did not happen the way it did-too painful. I just had to learn the hard way.
REMEMBERING
The first step we did in my counseling sessions was remembering and reflecting. The word “remember” alone made me anxious. I begged to just move on to present events and the course of actions I needed to take. But my counselor said that who I am today and how I see my life and the world can be explained by the past. For me to change my perspective, I needed to reframe the past. After all, my intention to engage in counseling was to understand the painful events that happened and to have peace of mind.
I had always blamed my mom and my past for the way I handle my relationships with men. I was born when my mom was in college and was left to the care of my grandparents, aunts and uncle. They treated me like a princess and had always gotten what I needed and wanted. However, things changed when they all relocated. I was left with my mom and her new family: she had gotten married 2 years after I was born. I did not get along well with my stepfather and neither did my mom and him. My siblings and I had very painful childhood. If anything good had come out of it, it was our staying together to be there for each other. Unconsciously, we hated our mom but loved her dearly-if only she would leave her husband. Things mellowed down as we grew up but there were still incidents of conflicts that would happen and leave us all hurt. It would bring up the past and we would once again find ourselves very angry at our mom. We would be on tip toe for weeks. My mom would smother us with affection and love. We were careful no to hurt her, so we agreed to anything.
My mom’s choice in men: irresponsible and lacked the ability to hold a job and be financially stable, had made me set up high standards in my own choice. I had dreamed of the perfect guy: rich and responsible-a guy without flaws. I had always compared guys I had relationship to, to my standards and was always apprehensive-not really showing my love, when they did not meet up to them, which was always the case.
Remembering had enraged me so much that I began to unconsciously show actions that diverted or stopped me from doing the next work. I put on a false self that had me pretending to be either vary happy or just did not care about my problems. My counselor explained that this was signal anxiety and we had to deal with it. So we did, before we moved further to reflecting and reframing my past. (I will discuss how I dealt with anxiety in my next post)
REFLECTING
I was told that to reflect, I must take a leap of faith-that much of what I know might be wrong. I should drop the blame and labels of my family for me to have a wider perspective. She had asked me to be receptive: explore further with an open heart and mind. I was made to go back to moments of conflicts, but asked not to react to it-she knew the pain and anger would be back.
There was one incident that happened recently that had made me tell my mom, she did not pity us for what we were going through. It made my mom so sad that she told us they would just leave us-me and my siblings. This made me take things into my own hands; I started taking responsibility over my sibling’s needs. But in the end, this has made me even angrier because when I needed money for my own needs, there was none.
I had reflected on that moment very often: my mom would leave us for him. Why? I was asked to widen my view by looking back to the time she met my biological father. She must have fallen in love with him because they had eloped and lived together for some time. However, my father was a scoundrel and could not be committed to a woman for a long time. Eventually, he left her and my mom had to go back home to face shame and contempt. I could just imagine the pain she must have felt. She was pregnant and without a husband to be there for her. I now understood her reaction to protect her relationship with her husband; she did not want to be left alone again. Her actions toward us were not intentionally done to hurt us, but her way of coping. I now understand, but it did not mean that I agree with her. With her past experience with my dad and the poverty she grew up in, she longs for attention and love, which blinds her from things she should not hold on to-things that needed change.
With my new perspective, I began observing my mom with renewed feelings: loving and understanding, not with judgment and hate. Despite our conflicts, she really loves us and has always been proud of our achievements. She had always made a way to provide us with our needs.
Incidents happen not because of someone’s willful acts but because of a more fundamental human weakness: inability to stop harm from happening. We should not deny our past but rather see it in a wider perspective because our perspective of it might be limited-because of the person who had observed the past: a child/teenager.
Incidences of conflicts takes up only a small percentage of life yet the meaning and importance we give it influences how we see our self in the world-as neglected, a victim as struggling/successful. With my limited view of the past, I had always considered myself the victim of my mom’s mistakes. I now understand that those incidents happened not to hurt me. The past can be used to explain who I am today, but I am the story teller, I choose to have a different moral of the story. Yes, the isolation was very painful, yet I can triumph over it by re connecting with my family-my mom and the people whom I have hurt.
I have defined who I am with my limited perspective of the past. Now with a wider perspective, my definition of myself is gone. Who am I then? I find my self shaky and afraid to find out who I really am, but with the help of my family and friends, I know I can take on this journey: a journey to find myself.
I know for one that I do not want a grand guy-a guy without flaws. I want a guy human enough to make mistakes, but mature enough to recognize them and improve. I want a guy who is not rich but who is hard working enough like me. I do not care for riches because I have never wanted to be rich; I only want my needs to be met. I need a guy I can mature and grow old with and most importantly, a guy I can love unconditionally.
In my wish to fix things, I have again made another mistake. I have hurt again, the person I once loved and still do. I tried to wake up the old sleeping dog, when he was not ready to talk. I am deeply sorry. I hope that he reads this. I hope he finds it in him to forgive me and stop reacting to the past so we can reconnect again, as friends. I truly respect you and have always admired your optimism. You have always proven your worth, going against the odds and fate. I do not want your anger to affect any relationship you have. TIME HEALS NOTHING and I hope we can talk soon, without the pain and anger.
When I started my counseling sessions, I found out, that what happened was the last of a chain of events. It started with problems at home. They had something to do with my mom and stepfather again. In our way to cope with it, my siblings and I had formed an alliance against the villains at home: mom and their dad. When I could not handle it anymore, I started denying the problem. I was physically present at home, yet I was in an inward depression. I slept early, 7 pm at the most-not eating dinner. The next day, I left early for work-not eating breakfast. Since, I spent time only on work; I had neglected everyone including my boyfriend
The real problem was with my family and my denying it had unconsciously affected my relationship with my boyfriend. The last year of our relationship was very rocky. I had unconsciously avoided talking to him and had hated whenever he would confide a problem in me. I began loosing respect for him: I doubted his ability to take care of me and decided not to trust him anymore. I did not see him as an equal but someone inferior to me. Now, I understand that my actions were the effects of problems at home. I could not stop getting hurt with the problems that were happening at home so, I put up a barrier between us- in a relationship that I had more control of things. This was a way to avoid getting hurt just in case things do not go well between us. Little did I know that my actions would backfire on me. He left me for another woman. I blamed him for the break up and I did not recognize my part in it. If he had not been self-centered, he would have known that my actions toward him were the result of my problems at home and were not intentionally done to hurt him. He should have helped me.
If I had sought counseling early, I could have saved my relationship with my boyfriend. But then again, things happen for a reason. I would not have learned this much about me if things did not happen the way it did-too painful. I just had to learn the hard way.
REMEMBERING
The first step we did in my counseling sessions was remembering and reflecting. The word “remember” alone made me anxious. I begged to just move on to present events and the course of actions I needed to take. But my counselor said that who I am today and how I see my life and the world can be explained by the past. For me to change my perspective, I needed to reframe the past. After all, my intention to engage in counseling was to understand the painful events that happened and to have peace of mind.
I had always blamed my mom and my past for the way I handle my relationships with men. I was born when my mom was in college and was left to the care of my grandparents, aunts and uncle. They treated me like a princess and had always gotten what I needed and wanted. However, things changed when they all relocated. I was left with my mom and her new family: she had gotten married 2 years after I was born. I did not get along well with my stepfather and neither did my mom and him. My siblings and I had very painful childhood. If anything good had come out of it, it was our staying together to be there for each other. Unconsciously, we hated our mom but loved her dearly-if only she would leave her husband. Things mellowed down as we grew up but there were still incidents of conflicts that would happen and leave us all hurt. It would bring up the past and we would once again find ourselves very angry at our mom. We would be on tip toe for weeks. My mom would smother us with affection and love. We were careful no to hurt her, so we agreed to anything.
My mom’s choice in men: irresponsible and lacked the ability to hold a job and be financially stable, had made me set up high standards in my own choice. I had dreamed of the perfect guy: rich and responsible-a guy without flaws. I had always compared guys I had relationship to, to my standards and was always apprehensive-not really showing my love, when they did not meet up to them, which was always the case.
Remembering had enraged me so much that I began to unconsciously show actions that diverted or stopped me from doing the next work. I put on a false self that had me pretending to be either vary happy or just did not care about my problems. My counselor explained that this was signal anxiety and we had to deal with it. So we did, before we moved further to reflecting and reframing my past. (I will discuss how I dealt with anxiety in my next post)
REFLECTING
I was told that to reflect, I must take a leap of faith-that much of what I know might be wrong. I should drop the blame and labels of my family for me to have a wider perspective. She had asked me to be receptive: explore further with an open heart and mind. I was made to go back to moments of conflicts, but asked not to react to it-she knew the pain and anger would be back.
There was one incident that happened recently that had made me tell my mom, she did not pity us for what we were going through. It made my mom so sad that she told us they would just leave us-me and my siblings. This made me take things into my own hands; I started taking responsibility over my sibling’s needs. But in the end, this has made me even angrier because when I needed money for my own needs, there was none.
I had reflected on that moment very often: my mom would leave us for him. Why? I was asked to widen my view by looking back to the time she met my biological father. She must have fallen in love with him because they had eloped and lived together for some time. However, my father was a scoundrel and could not be committed to a woman for a long time. Eventually, he left her and my mom had to go back home to face shame and contempt. I could just imagine the pain she must have felt. She was pregnant and without a husband to be there for her. I now understood her reaction to protect her relationship with her husband; she did not want to be left alone again. Her actions toward us were not intentionally done to hurt us, but her way of coping. I now understand, but it did not mean that I agree with her. With her past experience with my dad and the poverty she grew up in, she longs for attention and love, which blinds her from things she should not hold on to-things that needed change.
With my new perspective, I began observing my mom with renewed feelings: loving and understanding, not with judgment and hate. Despite our conflicts, she really loves us and has always been proud of our achievements. She had always made a way to provide us with our needs.
Incidents happen not because of someone’s willful acts but because of a more fundamental human weakness: inability to stop harm from happening. We should not deny our past but rather see it in a wider perspective because our perspective of it might be limited-because of the person who had observed the past: a child/teenager.
Incidences of conflicts takes up only a small percentage of life yet the meaning and importance we give it influences how we see our self in the world-as neglected, a victim as struggling/successful. With my limited view of the past, I had always considered myself the victim of my mom’s mistakes. I now understand that those incidents happened not to hurt me. The past can be used to explain who I am today, but I am the story teller, I choose to have a different moral of the story. Yes, the isolation was very painful, yet I can triumph over it by re connecting with my family-my mom and the people whom I have hurt.
I have defined who I am with my limited perspective of the past. Now with a wider perspective, my definition of myself is gone. Who am I then? I find my self shaky and afraid to find out who I really am, but with the help of my family and friends, I know I can take on this journey: a journey to find myself.
I know for one that I do not want a grand guy-a guy without flaws. I want a guy human enough to make mistakes, but mature enough to recognize them and improve. I want a guy who is not rich but who is hard working enough like me. I do not care for riches because I have never wanted to be rich; I only want my needs to be met. I need a guy I can mature and grow old with and most importantly, a guy I can love unconditionally.
In my wish to fix things, I have again made another mistake. I have hurt again, the person I once loved and still do. I tried to wake up the old sleeping dog, when he was not ready to talk. I am deeply sorry. I hope that he reads this. I hope he finds it in him to forgive me and stop reacting to the past so we can reconnect again, as friends. I truly respect you and have always admired your optimism. You have always proven your worth, going against the odds and fate. I do not want your anger to affect any relationship you have. TIME HEALS NOTHING and I hope we can talk soon, without the pain and anger.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
No Grey Areas For Me
For me, it's either a yes or no. If I go in between then something is wrong. It's not the real me. I'm assuming a false self: either a grand self or infantile self.
I decided to write this down not for the reason that this is part of my being depressed, but for my friends to understand me better. Don't take it against you if I do not talk to you, I simply have something important in mind. And if you really are a friend, you'd know what to do.
1. Either I'm with you or not. When I DO NOT AGREE to what you say or DO NOT DO what you want, it simply means I DO NOT TRUST YOU.
2. I either READ or NOT. No offense to the author. What I read depends on my mood and my needs. My ex once gave me a book titled the The Road Less Traveled. I didn't read it-I skimmed through it, then gave it back when we broke up. Now, that I find myself searching for the real me, I found myself reading and wanting to read more books on the same topic. I love to read but I DO NOT FORCE myself to read what I do not like, even if it's a requirement for school or work.
3. I either eat or not. When I WANT to eat, I EAT. I'm a connoisseur of good food. When I'm DEPRESSED, I DO NOT EAT. I can maintain a 28 waist line for a year then loose 5 inches the next month, and maintain it for four months tops-with the help of my trusty companions ANTACID, SODA CRACKERS and OMEPRON!
4. Am either concerned about my health or simply DO NOT CARE. I usually monitor my sugar, calcium and salt intake because my family do not have moolah to bequest, only diabetes and kidney problems. When I think my LIFE has NO MEANING, I simply do not care what I eat and drink.
5. I either talk or just SHUT UP. I DO NOT care for SMALL TALK- I hate talking about the weather. When I have something to say, I say it and discuss at length- if needed. I can talk endlessly about life to the person I find, I can talk to about anything and nothing. Isn't nothing NOTHING? Whatever! It's nothing when you're in love!
6. I'm either IN-CHARGE or NOT. When I lived at home and my mom had to take a trip, I was in charge of the house-budget, cooking, laundry, everything! But when she comes back, I don't bother stepping into the kitchen or knowing what's for dinner-I do not eat at home. I do not like telling other people how to run their own homes, that why IM IN-CHARGE of MY own place.
7. You are either my FRIEND or NOT. I keep a few friends but they know me well. I care and love them deeply. When you do not know me well, and I decide to call/see you out of the blue, that's just me taking a rain check-I'M FLIRTING! I'm depressed and lonely.
I decided to write this down not for the reason that this is part of my being depressed, but for my friends to understand me better. Don't take it against you if I do not talk to you, I simply have something important in mind. And if you really are a friend, you'd know what to do.
1. Either I'm with you or not. When I DO NOT AGREE to what you say or DO NOT DO what you want, it simply means I DO NOT TRUST YOU.
2. I either READ or NOT. No offense to the author. What I read depends on my mood and my needs. My ex once gave me a book titled the The Road Less Traveled. I didn't read it-I skimmed through it, then gave it back when we broke up. Now, that I find myself searching for the real me, I found myself reading and wanting to read more books on the same topic. I love to read but I DO NOT FORCE myself to read what I do not like, even if it's a requirement for school or work.
3. I either eat or not. When I WANT to eat, I EAT. I'm a connoisseur of good food. When I'm DEPRESSED, I DO NOT EAT. I can maintain a 28 waist line for a year then loose 5 inches the next month, and maintain it for four months tops-with the help of my trusty companions ANTACID, SODA CRACKERS and OMEPRON!
4. Am either concerned about my health or simply DO NOT CARE. I usually monitor my sugar, calcium and salt intake because my family do not have moolah to bequest, only diabetes and kidney problems. When I think my LIFE has NO MEANING, I simply do not care what I eat and drink.
5. I either talk or just SHUT UP. I DO NOT care for SMALL TALK- I hate talking about the weather. When I have something to say, I say it and discuss at length- if needed. I can talk endlessly about life to the person I find, I can talk to about anything and nothing. Isn't nothing NOTHING? Whatever! It's nothing when you're in love!
6. I'm either IN-CHARGE or NOT. When I lived at home and my mom had to take a trip, I was in charge of the house-budget, cooking, laundry, everything! But when she comes back, I don't bother stepping into the kitchen or knowing what's for dinner-I do not eat at home. I do not like telling other people how to run their own homes, that why IM IN-CHARGE of MY own place.
7. You are either my FRIEND or NOT. I keep a few friends but they know me well. I care and love them deeply. When you do not know me well, and I decide to call/see you out of the blue, that's just me taking a rain check-I'M FLIRTING! I'm depressed and lonely.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I am depressed when I:
1. am being a bitch.
2. am overly critical.
3. don't eat.
4. sleep a lot.
5. can't write, even a decent 200-word copy.
6. don't talk.
7. can give a perfect figure-a budget for a trip or business.
8. create a database in a week.
9. play SUDOKU for an hour.
10. don't wear makeup.
11. don't care about what I wear.
12. don't cook/bake.
13. don't care when weeds grow in my garden.
14. make stupid lists, such as this.
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