Monday, October 29, 2007

Recovery

It has been a month since the end of my relationship with my boyfriend of five years. I took a last swig last night, to celebrate my freedom!finally!

I still can't believe that such as heart-breaking situation would happen to me. I would have been okay if it ended quietly. But it didn't. This was totally unexpected. I am a list kind of person. I plan things so no unexpected thing would happen. But something did happen. I felt like the world around me was spinning and I was suddenly falling into a bottomless pit. I was totally unprepared. I realized that life's circumstances are not always what I plan them to be. That I have no hold over this situation. That things don'nt go necessarily as planned. And beyond my understanding I can be led into situations I never dreamed would happen to me.

I have been picking up the pieces these last few weeks. Trying to mend my broken spirit. It is hard and painful. Why does healing take so long? I wanted to wake up one day and not feel any anger and pain anymore. What I did't realize was that healing is the proccess to being me again. The cries, anger, self pitty-all of them included. This have been a time for me to develop patience ( which I'm not very good at, that's why I bake and not cook) and to obtain more objectivity. To detach myself from the situation, to see myself from outside the box. And once I did, I realized this was a blessing after all, taking into consideration what he was capable of(hurting me).

I have been going home to my grandma's place every weekend. It's almost the same place as it used to be when I was a kid. I remember many good memories. It makes me smile. It makes me happy. My grandma used to complain about the long coffee breaks I have, but I just smile at her. Maybe after a while she understood I needed the time for myself.

My spending time with myself allowed me to have a stronger sense of who I was and I am happy that I was developing into the person that I want to be. I realzed that even if I can't change the situation, I can change my attitude towards it. I choose to be hopeful and to act from faith rather than be hopeless and act from fear. I choose to enjoy life, to try new things, to laugh and yes, even to open myself up to love again. I am starting to see things in a different way, in a more peaceful way. I enjoy nature more, seeing a blooming flower makes me smile and appreciate the beauty of my life. This is what I have, and I appreciate it.

But it isn't over yet. I know that to fully heal, I should forgive. This is the hardest thing for me to do. It is easy for me to forget than to forgive. But I am hoping that I forgive him, for two-timming me. I hope, for my sake.