or better yet, maybe a bottle of San Mig Light will make me feel better. Never mind my pain killers. Wahahaha

Damn! Need my counselor. Whose idea was it that I was better on my own?

Its raining cats and dogs

Its an emotional month for me and irritatingly so, my counselor has left the country. Its raining cats and dogs, meaning there is more bad news for me, and here I am making lists again.

1. I got a big contract but then I returned it and referred it to my bestfriend. She was more or less happy about it coz she'll have more funds for her house. In the end, she felt guilty and if not for the respect we had for each other, it would have gotten in between our friendship.

2. My health insurance is going to expire on my birthday so my mom and I decided to have our annual executive check up. My eyes are okay, I don't need glasses but I need an ENT consult. Might be vertigo or something else. I know my doc was holding back on saying pregnancy.

3. I'm getting my upper and lower ortho appliance but I went through a minor surgery. It hurt so bad that I don't want to go back to my dentist.

4. There were no complications about my surgery but the stitch got loose when I ate my first solid food in 3 days since the operation. Seems like I'm going back to my dentist.

5. Been told not to make issues so I have no one to talk to other than this damn blog. I created my blog for this in the first place. Why am I so damn emotional.

6. I don't want to write (for a living) for a while, or maybe forever. And I'm afraid to tell anyone.

7. I hate myself for being so damn emotional.

8. Now if I could just get my hands on a pint of supreme chocolate ice cream. Its soft and cold, good for my wound. Hope it doesnt loosen another stitch.

Forgot, need my Omepron before I eat the damn ice cream.

Better get some sleep then. Never mind the food.

If only I still smoke.

I'm Pissed Off!

So much for being calm. The truth is, I'm really pissed off.

Choices

I'm bone weary. Today I found out that we won't be seeing a little one in nine months and what's worse is that it felt like I lost him too. Though I don't blame him but I wish he was his usual self. We usually balance each other out, I'm the one who worries too much and he tries to calm me down. But this time, he got too lonely for that missed chance to the point of almost pushing me away. I'm disappointed too but I guess deep inside, I'm angry as well. I think the problems and issues about the upcoming events are taking its toll on me.

What I hate most are people who sacrifice the value of being there for family or being happy for a family member with worrying about the cost of things. I've been the alternate bread winner for my siblings for almost five years now and I've learned that things are not always about money. Once, I was this person who was too serious to have fun with my siblings since I worried too much about finances. Yes, sometimes situations can be difficult to handle but we do have the choice on how much we want them to affect us. We do have the right to play or be happy even in the most difficult of circumstances. We have the right to look ahead; to look at the more beautiful things that will happen; to welcome the chance to try again.

Worries

Planning for weddings can sometimes be draining and it can affect your relationship if the couple is not careful. I think the foremost concern for many are the expenses for the wedding. I've been so concerned about them myself, good thing that he is there to pull me back to my senses. I've never really wanted a luxurious wedding; all I want is a simple one with more focus on the ceremony-the exchange of vows. But I guess if you are a gal and you start day dreaming about your wedding, you start wanting for more chuvaness.

I am thankful that he is more focused on saving for our life after the wedding. It was very sweet of him to say the other day that he did not want me spending big for the wedding [My solution to the long guest list was to take the tab on the food for the extra guests] and he wished that I would be content on what he will be able to come up with. I realized that I was causing a burden with all the day dreaming I did about the wedding. Of course, I will be content on whatever he spends for.

Eventhough we've known each other for almost six years now, there are still things that I don't know about him. I fall in love with him more with the little things that he does for or tells me during these last few days. I am gald he is more concerned about the after the wedding part and of the expenses for the little one (if ever). I am also happy that he is concerned about my health especially when I work straight for a full day. I always tell him I'll be okay since I sleep for long hours the next day, but that doesn't stop him from worrying. He says having a little one is more fullfilling than work-another one of the sweet things he told me lately. He is excited about it, whereas I am worried to the point that my ulcer is acting up again. I sometimes dont understand his excitement considering the expenses, but as Lem says: if he really loves me that much, he will be more excited and happy than concerned.

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So Happy...

I owe him an apology about the things I said in my last post. I guess what was really bothering me was that we never got to talk much since I got back. But I'm okay now; I slept with a smile on my face last night. He made me really happy last night, although I wasn't expecting the proposal. Yup, that's right. I'm getting married, hopefully before the year ends.

Proposals can get too emotional. Even if it wasn't formal as it should be, napaiyak pa rin ako. He is keeping his promise/s after all. Things don't always go as planned but I do know that if two people really love each other, things will go as planned in the end. There will always be heart aches that both parties may not expect [it is true that your best friend can be your best enemy]. But as I told him, sepration/problems can sometimes do more good than bad. In our case, the separation [though it was the ugliest thing that ever happened to me] actually made both of us grow in ways we never would have while in the relationship.

I'm happy about a lot of things right now.

I'm happy we got to spend the longest time we ever could the other week.

I'm happy he met my mom. My mom never said anything bad about him so far and knowing who I am/is in the family, I don't think I will ever hear anything negative about him.

And, I'm happy about the things he said last night.