I'm Pissed Off!

So much for being calm. The truth is, I'm really pissed off.

Choices

I'm bone weary. Today I found out that we won't be seeing a little one in nine months and what's worse is that it felt like I lost him too. Though I don't blame him but I wish he was his usual self. We usually balance each other out, I'm the one who worries too much and he tries to calm me down. But this time, he got too lonely for that missed chance to the point of almost pushing me away. I'm disappointed too but I guess deep inside, I'm angry as well. I think the problems and issues about the upcoming events are taking its toll on me.

What I hate most are people who sacrifice the value of being there for family or being happy for a family member with worrying about the cost of things. I've been the alternate bread winner for my siblings for almost five years now and I've learned that things are not always about money. Once, I was this person who was too serious to have fun with my siblings since I worried too much about finances. Yes, sometimes situations can be difficult to handle but we do have the choice on how much we want them to affect us. We do have the right to play or be happy even in the most difficult of circumstances. We have the right to look ahead; to look at the more beautiful things that will happen; to welcome the chance to try again.

Worries

Planning for weddings can sometimes be draining and it can affect your relationship if the couple is not careful. I think the foremost concern for many are the expenses for the wedding. I've been so concerned about them myself, good thing that he is there to pull me back to my senses. I've never really wanted a luxurious wedding; all I want is a simple one with more focus on the ceremony-the exchange of vows. But I guess if you are a gal and you start day dreaming about your wedding, you start wanting for more chuvaness.

I am thankful that he is more focused on saving for our life after the wedding. It was very sweet of him to say the other day that he did not want me spending big for the wedding [My solution to the long guest list was to take the tab on the food for the extra guests] and he wished that I would be content on what he will be able to come up with. I realized that I was causing a burden with all the day dreaming I did about the wedding. Of course, I will be content on whatever he spends for.

Eventhough we've known each other for almost six years now, there are still things that I don't know about him. I fall in love with him more with the little things that he does for or tells me during these last few days. I am gald he is more concerned about the after the wedding part and of the expenses for the little one (if ever). I am also happy that he is concerned about my health especially when I work straight for a full day. I always tell him I'll be okay since I sleep for long hours the next day, but that doesn't stop him from worrying. He says having a little one is more fullfilling than work-another one of the sweet things he told me lately. He is excited about it, whereas I am worried to the point that my ulcer is acting up again. I sometimes dont understand his excitement considering the expenses, but as Lem says: if he really loves me that much, he will be more excited and happy than concerned.

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So Happy...

I owe him an apology about the things I said in my last post. I guess what was really bothering me was that we never got to talk much since I got back. But I'm okay now; I slept with a smile on my face last night. He made me really happy last night, although I wasn't expecting the proposal. Yup, that's right. I'm getting married, hopefully before the year ends.

Proposals can get too emotional. Even if it wasn't formal as it should be, napaiyak pa rin ako. He is keeping his promise/s after all. Things don't always go as planned but I do know that if two people really love each other, things will go as planned in the end. There will always be heart aches that both parties may not expect [it is true that your best friend can be your best enemy]. But as I told him, sepration/problems can sometimes do more good than bad. In our case, the separation [though it was the ugliest thing that ever happened to me] actually made both of us grow in ways we never would have while in the relationship.

I'm happy about a lot of things right now.

I'm happy we got to spend the longest time we ever could the other week.

I'm happy he met my mom. My mom never said anything bad about him so far and knowing who I am/is in the family, I don't think I will ever hear anything negative about him.

And, I'm happy about the things he said last night.

Directionless Yakking

I have a lot on my mind lately and I can't seem to give each thought enough attention[All I want to do is sleep, which is what I've been doing the last 3 days]. Maybe its because I'm worried that a little one is on its way or better yet, all my thoughts are related to it. I'm a bit angry and rebellious right now but I can't pin point at what or to whom. I want to quit my job, that's one thing I'm sure of; though I don't know how its related to what's been bugging me since I got back from Manila. If I do quit my job, will I miss accounting stuff? I'm not actually quitting on accounting coz I write financial news/reviews on the US stock market once a week. I think what I'm actually going to miss are the routinary processes that I do each month to balance the books.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't started writing and sometimes I wish I started writing as early as highschool like Lem. But there is one thing I'm thankful about since I started writing. I'm not worried about money anymore like I used to since I started working at the accouting/finance department. As my aunt puts it, I may not always have the cash but I sure do know where to get it. However, I had made a promise to myself that I'll never make money a reason to write an article.

This thing that's been bugging me about a little one being on the way... Part of me wants it to be true and part of me doesn't. I know its not about money or being financially stable to take care of the needs of having a little angel. I think its about being free; what and when to do things. [How many times have I said "I think"?...My thoughts are all a mess right now!] Lem suggested I get checked so I know for sure; don't have the guts to do so. I think part of me will be disappointed if it isn't true and I'm not ready for that disappointment.

Lem did ask me if I was sure about him. I don't want to answer, I don't need to. Right now I'm pissed off and I don't want to talk. I feel as if I opened my feelings/emotions too much too soon. I hope I don't fall as far as I did the last time[There is one thing I am sure of and it is this: Whatever I did or do, I know I don't deserve to be betrayed like the last time]. And as Lem says, I hope he is turning a new leaf.

I'm such a mess right now...and I hate it. [I know I'm going to face a much needed talking to about this post-both from him and the gals, but I don't care; this is my blog and I set this up for such yakking]