After a While

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning.
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a women, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for future plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight,
And after a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strongAnd you really do have worth
And you learn and learn...With every goodbye, you learn.

This poem is by Veronica Shofstall. It felt better after reading this.

Recovery

It has been a month since the end of my relationship with my boyfriend of five years. I took a last swig last night, to celebrate my freedom!finally!

I still can't believe that such as heart-breaking situation would happen to me. I would have been okay if it ended quietly. But it didn't. This was totally unexpected. I am a list kind of person. I plan things so no unexpected thing would happen. But something did happen. I felt like the world around me was spinning and I was suddenly falling into a bottomless pit. I was totally unprepared. I realized that life's circumstances are not always what I plan them to be. That I have no hold over this situation. That things don'nt go necessarily as planned. And beyond my understanding I can be led into situations I never dreamed would happen to me.

I have been picking up the pieces these last few weeks. Trying to mend my broken spirit. It is hard and painful. Why does healing take so long? I wanted to wake up one day and not feel any anger and pain anymore. What I did't realize was that healing is the proccess to being me again. The cries, anger, self pitty-all of them included. This have been a time for me to develop patience ( which I'm not very good at, that's why I bake and not cook) and to obtain more objectivity. To detach myself from the situation, to see myself from outside the box. And once I did, I realized this was a blessing after all, taking into consideration what he was capable of(hurting me).

I have been going home to my grandma's place every weekend. It's almost the same place as it used to be when I was a kid. I remember many good memories. It makes me smile. It makes me happy. My grandma used to complain about the long coffee breaks I have, but I just smile at her. Maybe after a while she understood I needed the time for myself.

My spending time with myself allowed me to have a stronger sense of who I was and I am happy that I was developing into the person that I want to be. I realzed that even if I can't change the situation, I can change my attitude towards it. I choose to be hopeful and to act from faith rather than be hopeless and act from fear. I choose to enjoy life, to try new things, to laugh and yes, even to open myself up to love again. I am starting to see things in a different way, in a more peaceful way. I enjoy nature more, seeing a blooming flower makes me smile and appreciate the beauty of my life. This is what I have, and I appreciate it.

But it isn't over yet. I know that to fully heal, I should forgive. This is the hardest thing for me to do. It is easy for me to forget than to forgive. But I am hoping that I forgive him, for two-timming me. I hope, for my sake.