My Diary

Pintados 2009

2009-06-27T03:49:00.001-07:00

This is the first time I watched Pintados since I got home from college. I forgot how fun it was. It was so hot but I didn't mind. It was nice being next to professional photographers and getting the police officer mad coz we stayed on the middle of the street...lol...on the same note, i'd like to buy a canon eos or similar nikon cam ;)

New Pics

2009-05-17T01:13:00.001-07:00

I've learned two things today:

1. My orange bulbs which I waited for two years to bloom finally made an appearance, along with my regular blooming white bulb.

2. I'm a cetified google product fan. Used Picasa to sharpen these photos:

Updates

2009-05-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I blogged. I can't seem to have enough time on my hands to do everything I want-what with having two jobs an all. But despite this, I was brave enough to not work for two weeks and go an vacation. Yes, a real vacation with no PC, no internet, room service, swimming pools and all the time for myself. Then by the end of my vacation, I went to manila. First to have my laptop diagnose (but more like to have myself admitted to financial suicide! lol! just kidding!) and second, (of course) to see my hon.

In all the frenzy of going back and forth the busy metropolis, I hadn't noticed I stressed hon out.

Self Retreat

2009-02-28T05:25:00.000-08:00

My bf had decided to take some time off and have not been practically talking to me. And now that almost half of my daily time have been emptied, I realize how much my life has changed in the past 5 years. I guess plainly put, I'm realizing my lack of life. I've planned a few things for the next few weeks. I don't really know when he is coming or if ever he is coming back. So I'm not going to sit around and sulk. Hey, they told me to leave him alone; so I am. At least this time its better that I know what's happening. The last time I had no idea our relationship was on the rocks that badly.

Anyway, I started with cleaning my nails. I know its not much but I'm proud I found something to do while everyone was gone and I had the house by myself. It beats sleeping the afternoon off considering I spent 10 hours sleep last night. Then tomorrow I plan to go jogging with my bro; he told me to be ready by 4:30. I originally planned on going alone but I'm not that depressed. It's dangerous to go alone when its still dark.

I'm not sure yet what I can do for the rest of the week. I had planned on going to a spa to get body scrubbing and exfoliating; and maybe bleaching too. It's gonna be summer soon. Though I don't know where I'm going, I'm not going to let this summer pass without wearing my swimsuit. Then maybe I'd treat my broods to a night out at a bar. I have the money to pay for it, got a 2K bonus for working weekends. Not much but in all, I earned about 5K last weekend, including bonus. Was going to save the money for my trip to Manila but since I'm not sure if we are going to be still an item, better just enjoy my time waiting.

Oh and by the way, I took a walk tonight. Not much stars but I got to breath deeply. My eyes are still sore and have eye bags from crying. But no one asked or maybe no one really has the guts to ask me anything personal around here. Went to my cuz's store after. Thought of buying beer but just decided not to on the last minute. My aunt was the one manning the store and I didn't want to shout San Mig Light; she's a little deaf.

Hmmmm. I'm not saying it guys, I'm trying to be tough here. Oh and don't reach me through my phone or YM. My self retreat or individual retreat mean less time on the PC or mobile phone. No gadgets please. Wish me luck! And do pray for me ;)

My Fave MV by David Cook

2009-01-18T23:52:00.001-08:00

Favorite Music Videos

2009-01-18T21:37:00.000-08:00

Here are two of my favorite music videos from Daughtry. Embedding was disabled so a link will do for now.

Feels Like Tonight

Over You

What About Now - Like the lyrics too

Money Matters

2009-01-13T02:56:00.001-08:00

Hon and I have been slowly listing down the things we would need for our wedding and for setting up a home after that. It's a long list and its very discouraging. So I finally just decided to forgo of my dream wedding non-essentials and opted for a simple one. Para lang mabili namin lahat ng kakailanganin for our pad. And before that, I have to think about the expenses for next month when I go see him (with nanay daw, lol).

Just now, I've made a list of my receivables for this month and although I've tripled my office salary, parang kulang pa rin. It's like, as your income increase your expenses increase as well. Pero sabi nga ni Hon, kahit ganun mga gastos namin ng December, it was worth it. At sabi ko naman, kausapin mo 500 mo na bill kng sagutin ka...

Long Vacation

2009-01-05T06:06:00.000-08:00

sabi nga ng hon ko "kasi kasi". Because I did not hug him as much when he was here, I miss him so. Yes we had petty fights but over all, our vacation was the best we've had so far. He spent three weeks here yet it only seemed days. Kulang pa nga. It's the first time we spent that too much time together, na kahit ano gawin magkasama and I think it was good for both of us. More like a test run if we are going to make it on our own when we finally decide to setlle down. It also gave me an opportunity to see if he is capable of being the main bread winner and head of the family. Well, he is ready and he is very sweet and caring as always. Medyo kuripot pero nasa lugar naman...And the best thing is I can rely on him on almost anything, masasandalan ko siya.

From My Sister's Chopping Board

2008-12-12T07:06:00.001-08:00

I support my sister in any way I can. So when she told me she was going to have a hands on food garnishing, I shared a few ideas of my own. You see, my sister and I share the same passion about food. Although she's more inclined to cooking and me to baking, there are recipes that we enjoy making, often adding our personal touch to it.

Here are pics from her chopping board, after her food garnishing hands on. She deliberately went to visit me after just to show me what she did.

Here are cute creatures she made that I took liberty to name, this one is Luke the Alien

Pete the Chicken
(My niece wanted to crush this one in her fist out of gigil.hehehe)

Betsy the Swan:

Johnny the whale:

Saturday Morning filled with bliss

2008-12-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

hmmm....Although my back hurts a bit from curling up on the sofa, my Saturday morning is filled with bliss. I've always loved the rainy season, not for its rain but for the chilly mornings. I get to enjoy a hot cup of aromatic coffee and other things I won't enjoy in the city.

Today, the aroma of coffee has filled my office (yes, I've already set up an office at the master's bedroom; still thinking of putting a bed in here) and I can hear birds chirping outside. It's still chilly....Oh, and I have instrumental music playing...

christmas decors

2008-12-01T01:40:00.000-08:00

I'm trying out how my digicam will fare in low lighting condition and direct light exposure. Although I'm not contented with the results, this will do for now.

Xenias

2008-11-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

Got carrried away with flowers so here are more flower macros. These are summer xenias but since we have a tropical climate all year round, they grow and bloom during any month.

Bulbs in Bloom

2008-11-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

My bulbs are in bloom and they gave me an opportunity to try out my digicam's macro settings. I think I was able to capture the details well yet, I needed to sharpen my pics so I used Paint.Net for that.

Musical Addict

2008-11-23T05:51:00.000-08:00

Enchanted(starring Mcsteamy of Grey's Anatomy) is showing on Star Movies and despite the amount of work load I have right now, I can't help watch for a few minutes. I could say I'm a musical addict and sometimes I just laugh at how corny I may seem to others. Don't really care, I've always loved musicals-all the colors, dancing and singing. Way back in college, I used to dress up and go gala's of musicals showing in Cebu. I've had the chance to watch a few-Man of La Mancha, Le Voice, St. Francis... All thanks to my aunt-who like me was greatly influenced by my lolo to love myths, legends and fairytales.

Enough said.hehehe.natutuwa lng talga ako at natatawa. a breather from my work lang.hehehe

Cram

2008-11-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

It's four in the morning and I (again) am cramming to beat a deadline. Ugh! This set is just for 20 keyword articles yet its been seven days and I'm not even half way there yet. I'm really bothered with my hubby's probs. If he is drinking to get over the fear or anxiety, I'm sleeping mine off. It's a good thing I got two new things this week. I finally have a planner for 2009 and I got a watch with interchangeable straps and cricular band or something. I do not usually go for cheap stuff (hehehe, when it comes to watches lang), but it looked sosyal and it came in a fancy box. It also has a black strap which I can use when I just wear t-shirt. (usually the case nowadays since I have loads of vintage tees). enough said.need to work again.ugh!

Christmas Wish No. 2 (and last)

2008-11-15T01:57:00.000-08:00

eto po ung gusto kong PDA

Christmas Wish No. 1

2008-11-15T01:49:00.001-08:00

Remember how...

you love my christmas goodies?

soft and moist my choco layered cake is?

how chunky my chocolate chip cookies are?

how crunchy my oatmeal peanut raisin cookies are?

and remember how well seasoned my fruit cakes are?

SORRY GUYS!!! no pastries from me this christmas unless you buy me this kitchen aid:

Yes, this means no fruit cake this december...but goodies will be available if you buy this for me before holiday season. Ung black lang pls...

4 days na

2008-11-07T03:15:00.000-08:00

ugh! four days na pero d pa rin ako nakakadjust sa lower ortho ko. nakakainis na ung pain at d ako makakakain. d ako makanguya kaya kng ano ano binibili ko na masasarap at matamis para lng macompensate ang discomfort ko. kanina lng ang laki ng gastos ko sa Goldilocks kasi kung ano ano pinulot ko na mga pastries. tapos on my way back sa office, nakasabay ko si mama. me dalang JB na spag para sa akin.hahahaha. nadoble na food ko.

tatanggalin ko na talga to!!!! super sakit tlga. tapos babalik pa ako bukas sa dentist kasi me natanggal na bracket. mas masakit pala pag nadisturb ung pressure. arg!

ano pala...

2008-11-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

me isa pa pala akong masayang sasabihin. me wi fi na sa office na pinakabit ng engineer na d gusto ng mga taga office.intriga!tapos d ako sang ayon kanina sa pagbili ng wireless LAN tapos un pala pwd na ako magchat sa office.wahahaha! pwd ko na dalhin dalhin ung notebook ko.

nakakainis na araw

2008-11-05T06:09:00.000-08:00

Wala na ata ako maisulat na maganda sa araw na to. Nakakainis naman kasi. Nagising ako na masakit ang tiyan at matutulog na sore ang buong ngipin. Nakakainis pa metal band ko, naiipit dila ko. 2 hours lng naman ako nakaupo dun sa dentist chair kanina. waaaa! tapos tatanungin pa ako kung napapagod na ako, tapos patience daw. d ako makapaniwala nagbayad ako ng 33K para makaranas ng sakit. at may utang pa ako na 30K. waaaa! pero sige na lng kesa dun ako sa cosmo something na ortho something na dentist na pinuntahan ko ng first year college pa lang ako.umabot pa ata sa 150K ang budget niya e, pero dami naman siyang mga fake na ipin ilalagay.pero 3 months daw parang model na daw.d ko naman gusto maging model.wahahaha! gusto ko original na ipin lang.

Ay meron pala akong magandang isusulat....me bagong akong singsing!!!! me bato po siya...ewan ko ba, ang baba ng kaligayahan ko.pagnadedepress ako dami ko gastos para sa panandaliang saya. bili ng kung ano ano, mablouse, short o alahas.mabuti n lng at wala ako credit card kundi nabalot na ako sa utang ngayon....ano nga pala, ibebenta ko na mga watch ko na Mango bracelet watch para magkapera ako.wahahaha! babatukan ako ng mama ko(pero ako po bumili ng mga un, Alba ata binili sa kin ni mama paggraduate ko daw. na hindi naman nagbow sa stage.hahaha.inindian ko graduation ko!na super galit naman hon ko kasi ngpatulong na sina cha sa kanya ata.e bat si mama deadma kahit tinawagan ni mynet)...bili ako ng fossil na pink watch (pink na naman!)...tapos next year mag aall black ako.ngkakadikit na po kilay ni hon na panay tanong ko kng may black na wedding gown.hahaha!tanungin ko kaya si ate iris kung magtatahi siya ng black na wedding gown.ano kaya gawin sa akin ni hon pag nag itim ako.ahahaha.sarap kasi niya asarin.

Ugh...It hurts

2008-11-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

The pain in my tummy woke me up today. Ugh. It's the same pain when I had gastroentiritis, so much for my resto hopping now. Forget, I haven't renewed my health insurance yet! ugh!

Content

2008-11-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I went to the beach to see the sunrise. It's rainy season already. So aside from my passion for sunrises, I turn my notebook's speaker volume to high and put on Rob Costlow/Yanni/David Benoit's songs on my MP3 player. Its six am and I feel like I'm at the beach.

Lunch With a Korean Friend

2008-11-03T06:04:00.000-08:00

I had lunch with a Korean friend today and my conversation with him made me realize how little I know about Filipino traditions. (I've been acting as stewards for Korean missionaries since I was in college. Only that I handled students back then) My friend is here in a mission work but for the first two years, he's going to learn the English language, our dialect and traditions. He likes taking friends to lunch or coffee since he gets to practice speaking English and gets to ask about Filipino traditions and culture. Today, we ate at Gerry's Grill and we talked about the food served there. He asked me what my favorite was and I pointed pancit bihon for him. He liked it and asked if I could cook for him. I didn't promise him anything, I said he might not like the food I cook. I did tell him I bake and he asked what I needed so I can bake for him. In the end, I think he was thinking of buying an oven. hahaha!

Then he aked about traditional Filipino marriage so he indulged my so called history lesson with an occasional 'I'm not sure' statement from me since I really don't know much about Filipino traditions. But he did laugh when I told him I was 25 y.o. already. Then it was my turn to laugh when he said he thought I was 19 or 20!

Content

2008-10-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

It's 3 in the morning and I'm about to start my day. Then I remembered my convo with hon last night and I do still miss a dear friend. He has been my unofficial counselor since college and last year, when I needed someone the most-he was at my doorstep in a call.

He knew how much I loved the beach-how I felt at peace with the sound of the waves and the sight of the sun rising, so he first took me to this beach in Cebu. I was wandering at first why he chose this particular beach. It had a gate and a private jetty, not my usual type of beach. But he asked me to wait till morning so I did, enjoying the warm breeze during the night and enduring the cooler breeze as morning came. Turns out, the surprise was the beautiful sunrise. Call me sunrise addict, but there is something in the changing hues-red, orange and yellow, that calms my mind. I'd trade dinner at my favorite Chinese resto for an early morning date at the beach anytime.

Remembering that day always makes me sad coz I miss this dear friend but in the end, after remembering exactly how the sun rose that morning, I feel relaxed, calm and contented with who I am with today. I had the mistake of saying my thoughts out loud last night and probably have hurt hon, so I reminded him that nothing could be more special than that one morning in Cebu. For us, that morning in Cebu are the magic words and it can stop any argument we are having. In the first place, its what made him come back when I've completely turned my back on him.

Then he asked me if I was expecting a wild ride ride after explaining how the 'good' life with this dear friend did not suit me. The wild ride being nightly trips to the bar and getting a doze of booze. His question surprised me and had me laughing, then I asked back if I looked the type who drank at some bar each night. The next thing he said surprised and made me love him even more. 'I want to build a family borne out of love.' Then he said something like 'Okay na sa akin occasional na inuman pero eventually I would stop drinking and smoking [smoking daw! joke!]'. He can say the sweetest things that's enough to make me content on what we have for now and wait patiently for that walk down the aisle. [May wedding gown ba na black?]

Vintage Shirts

2008-10-31T04:58:00.000-07:00

I’ve always hated shopping for clothes since I don’t want to be bothered with color selection and the frustration of not getting what I want if my size is not available. I resort to online shopping and catalog shopping, and I was more than happy that there are a lot of thingies for sale on multiply.

These shirts are from my friend Milalfel and they are called Vintage (design) shirts. I’ve bought more than ten shirts from her, and I’m still looking forward to buying from the next batch. [This from a gal who did not know that a thing called vintage shirt ever existed.]

[hmmm. looks like I have too many pink shirts already...have to think of a different wardrobe theme for next year...black maybe, just like late last year. may wedding gown ba na black?]

Ukay Ukay

2008-10-31T04:49:00.000-07:00

This year I have a fetish for anything pink so when I stopped by a garage sale on my way home from the dentist, I just had to get this pair of sneakers that had pink highlights. Got it at a low price plus I don’t have to break them in. It's perfect for my early morning walks to the beach…

Saturday Night Companions

2008-10-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

It's hot. I'm in a bad mood and in need of ice cold San Miguel Beer Light. [Plus a mix of my favorite chips]

Yanni's Keys to Imagination

2008-10-08T05:03:00.001-07:00

Yanni's Within Attraction

2008-10-08T04:47:00.000-07:00

Had to Grab These Pics

2008-10-08T04:01:00.000-07:00

When I was in college, I was lucky to be a part of our school's Internet Service Provider -CNMS (Center for Network Management and Services) as a system administrator. The other students thought we were the cool studs, but the truth was-behind the techs we got to handle was a lot of responsibilities. And im not saying responsibilities like it was a daunting and tiring task, I'm saying it proudly. We were multi tasking, we had open door policy-we didn't call our professionals (that's what we call those who were not students) sir or ma'am and it was all about talent. Even if we were students, most of us held positions-supervisors, team leaders and etc.

I came accros these pics in our yahoo group. It was there since 2004 and I just had to grab them. We barely had time to have fun, and these pics were taken during one of our gen. cleaning. Its purelly jologs and chaos...hehehe

clockwise: Lem, Arnold-our official techie guy who I liked to call by his last name (Bugtas), Rose and me.
clockwise: Lalay, Malou the model, Dave (davie boy, the one who liked to give me bear hugs!) and Apple the supervisor.

The guy in white is Bernard. Lem and him just got married last May.

TAP was open til 9 pm. I think this was on a weekend....

Food? I think these photos were taken during my birthday. We had spag, cake and drinks, I think.

Then disco. hehehehe. those were the days. The school scholars had no time to go out.

Yanni's Nightingale

2008-10-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

David Benoit's Freedom at Midnight

2008-10-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

New Owner ng Max...hehehe

2008-10-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

Traumatic Experience

2008-10-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

I spent the last four days sleeping, just waking up to eat what I would call-missionary food. My meals were either ice cream, noodles, Nido Oriental Soup w/o egg and oatmeal.

When I woke up this morning I was feeling a little better so i decided to finally show up at the office.

I'm 24 and four days ago, I had my wisdom (wizzie) tooth extracted. I was pretty anxious to had it removed since the surgery had been moved twice, first by my dentist and the second time by me after an unexpected monthly period.

The operation did not go as I had imagined it and I realized, however independent I am and how old I am, I will always turn to my mom for comfort. My dentist made it as painless as possible but given that it was a wizzie extraction, the pain was excruciating. Just before my dentist started to pull the tooth, she told me to signal if I felt any pain I could not handle. After many attempts, my jaw felt like it was going to come off so I signalled I was in too much pain. She gave me another dose of anesthesia and proceeded to extract my tooth again. The second dose was no help and I couldn't help but shiver how much pain I would have been in w/o it. When the tooth came off, I felt like my whole left upper molars were all extracted.

My body was shaking from the stress and my mom holding my cheeks helped a bit. I could not wait till she finished with the stitch. She did one, just to keep the socket closed and told me she need not take it off. On my way home, I felt like crying if not for the 1 gallon of chocolate ice cream that my mom bought for me. When I arrived home, I tried to sleep but was too disturbed thinking about what I just went through. That night, I was disturbed that there was blood in my saliva and the whole wizzie area was swollen. I was afraid of the bleeding and what was worse was that I could not swallow my saliva coz it hurt every time my tongue moved. I was not allowed to spit since it my cause my blog clot to dislodge. I really felt like shouting and crying but thought better not to. Shouting would only make my jaw hurt more and I couldn't even open my mouth to two centimeters wide. At 2 am when I couldn't take any more pain, I finally gave up and took painkillers and a medicine that helped with blood clot. It was silly of me to think I could stand the pain. I have ulcers and I practically had nothing but ice cream after the surgery. The next few days was pretty much the same. I slept to avoid feeling the pain but I took my painkillers (which was anti inflammatory) anyway since ice did not really do much in keeping the swelling down. Looking back, I was depressed the whole four days and I could not wait to go back to sleep again after I ate. It did not help that my boyfriend was very busy. It did not help that I had no one to talk to at all.

I never wanted to go back to my dentist but now (after four days) that I feel less pain (despite that it was still swollen) and I can open my mouth wider, I'm excited to finally get my upper and lower ortho appliance. Its a good thing that my upcoming wedding nudged me to have my braces earlier as planned. Couldn't imagine how much pain I would have been if I'd had my surgery done without my mom. I guess no matter how old you are or whether you are married or not, you'll always turn to mom for a small amount of comfort. After all, she took care of me for 16 years...(should be 20 but the four years I spent at college would not count.hehehe)

My advice for those who need to get their wizzie extracted. Go ahead with the operation but please do it on a friday, this was you have the weekend to rest. And take your mom with you...

This is all my fault

2008-10-01T04:55:00.000-07:00

I dare not talk to Lem about what I'm going through right now. She had warned me not to be dependent on him again and just go out and have a grand time waiting.

Here I am, in the same situation I was last year. Hay...At least I'm not going out to some bar with the gothic bitch look on. I favored black eye shadow last year, which is totally unlike me.

Food Cravings

2008-10-01T04:22:00.000-07:00

After three days of eating nothing but oatmeal, soft bread and ice cream, [Of course there is my daily dose of meds] I'm craving for a well-prepared classy dinner. At lunch I found I can open my mouth a centimeter wider and I can chew food better as long as I avoid the loosened stitch. Damn, I've lost a lot of weight already and having no one to talk to is not helping. I've just been sleeping on the couch for the past three days with the occasional chat and surf. I had my brother set up my notebook on the table beside the couch so I won't have to carry anything.

Now, If I could just have some breaded shrimp for appetizer paired with a really good sauce with wasabi. I'm a big fan of seafood, especially shrimp [and local lobster-the one with only one claw, I don't say this out loud since I'd get a good tease from my family. I had a suitor once who my family called banagan(lobster) since he lived in a town in Samar that was famous for its lobster]. I'd pair it with sparkling wine but this is my dinner so I'd pair it with San Mig Light. I drink wine but I'm more of the beer kind of person, which is just great since my bf likes beer better too.

Now for the main course, I'd like some pasta in white sauce with chicken bits. I like pasta with sweet style tomato sauce but I equally love white sauce with a distinctive garlic flavor. I can cook this dish in two ways depending on how much time I have. When I'm a little short on time, I cheat a little and use Campbell's chicken and mushroom soup as my sauce base. I can also get fancy with the spices and cream if I have a lot of time.

And what would a dinner be without sweets. I can say I'm an expert with dessert since I can bake almost anything. But for my dessert, I'd prefer the classic pana cotta with chocolate shavings. Two years ago, a desert that tastes like pana cotta came out on the market. It was called black sambo which I found to have too much chocolate flavor.

Now, If only I had this kind of dinner instead for toasted bread, cheese and sliced apples, which I now have on a plate in front of me... :-(

...Forgot, I have to learn how to cook adobo. Gosh! I'm going crazy talking about anything. I miss him so...

Something is Bothering Me

2008-09-30T03:22:00.001-07:00

The reason behind my nonsense posts this morning was that I seem to have said something wrong that have hurt the person I love and respect the most. Financial issues have gotten in between our relationship plenty of times already since we decided to get married.

I'm not used of asking someone else for financial help and the idea of sharing expenses with him is a new, if not odd, idea to me. He was taken aback with my questions but he must understand that even my family played a small role in my financial status(even when I was a student). I love him so and it hurts me that I have yet made another issue during this time when he just lost a member of his family. Nahihiya talga ako. I'd be really proud and feel special if he does spend something for me (other than the occasional spending for food and movies)...

Hay, can't seem to be making wise decisions or say the right words...

Birthday Coming Up

2008-09-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, my birthday is coming up. And unlike last year, I don't want to spend it in some bar getting drunk. And being dropped at our house by some guys I barely even knew. I was a mess last year. Good thing someone was kind enough to accompany me in my misery.

I remember this restaurant at the four-star hotel that is located at its private jetty. Was thinking of a formal dinner with my family. Only problem though is that there won't be any sunset there. The restaurant gets a good view of the sunrise and I don't think they'd be open that early. But I equally love the water and stars at night so id still get the ambience I'm looking for.

Dunno what my mom is planning though, she mentioned a trip to hong kong or singapore for the family just after the sale of the commercial lot.

2008-09-29T19:33:00.001-07:00

Betrayed?...Don't blame me though

Ten Things You Need to Know About Me

2008-09-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

1. I'd like to go to Salzburg!

2. I eat ice cream when I feel bad.

3. I hate falling in line, even for food at any fastfood.

4. I like to dress up and watch musical plays.

5. I'd marry anyone who plays the saxophone...if he proposes...hahaha!

6. I like yanni, david benoit and rob costlow.

7. I used to smoke until I got sinusitis.

8. I stay quiet when I'm angry.

9. I buy and drink very expensive liquor on christmas day and new year.

10. I love to cook and bake.

2008-09-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

oh yeah, forgot...It was both our idea. Now, if I just had the money to go to Salzburg!

2008-09-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

or better yet, maybe a bottle of San Mig Light will make me feel better. Never mind my pain killers. Wahahaha

Damn! Need my counselor. Whose idea was it that I was better on my own?

Its raining cats and dogs

2008-09-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

Its an emotional month for me and irritatingly so, my counselor has left the country. Its raining cats and dogs, meaning there is more bad news for me, and here I am making lists again.

1. I got a big contract but then I returned it and referred it to my bestfriend. She was more or less happy about it coz she'll have more funds for her house. In the end, she felt guilty and if not for the respect we had for each other, it would have gotten in between our friendship.

2. My health insurance is going to expire on my birthday so my mom and I decided to have our annual executive check up. My eyes are okay, I don't need glasses but I need an ENT consult. Might be vertigo or something else. I know my doc was holding back on saying pregnancy.

3. I'm getting my upper and lower ortho appliance but I went through a minor surgery. It hurt so bad that I don't want to go back to my dentist.

4. There were no complications about my surgery but the stitch got loose when I ate my first solid food in 3 days since the operation. Seems like I'm going back to my dentist.

5. Been told not to make issues so I have no one to talk to other than this damn blog. I created my blog for this in the first place. Why am I so damn emotional.

6. I don't want to write (for a living) for a while, or maybe forever. And I'm afraid to tell anyone.

7. I hate myself for being so damn emotional.

8. Now if I could just get my hands on a pint of supreme chocolate ice cream. Its soft and cold, good for my wound. Hope it doesnt loosen another stitch.

Forgot, need my Omepron before I eat the damn ice cream.

Better get some sleep then. Never mind the food.

If only I still smoke.

I'm Pissed Off!

2008-08-27T03:28:00.001-07:00

So much for being calm. The truth is, I'm really pissed off.

Choices

2008-08-27T03:04:00.000-07:00

I'm bone weary. Today I found out that we won't be seeing a little one in nine months and what's worse is that it felt like I lost him too. Though I don't blame him but I wish he was his usual self. We usually balance each other out, I'm the one who worries too much and he tries to calm me down. But this time, he got too lonely for that missed chance to the point of almost pushing me away. I'm disappointed too but I guess deep inside, I'm angry as well. I think the problems and issues about the upcoming events are taking its toll on me.

What I hate most are people who sacrifice the value of being there for family or being happy for a family member with worrying about the cost of things. I've been the alternate bread winner for my siblings for almost five years now and I've learned that things are not always about money. Once, I was this person who was too serious to have fun with my siblings since I worried too much about finances. Yes, sometimes situations can be difficult to handle but we do have the choice on how much we want them to affect us. We do have the right to play or be happy even in the most difficult of circumstances. We have the right to look ahead; to look at the more beautiful things that will happen; to welcome the chance to try again.

Worries

2008-08-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

Planning for weddings can sometimes be draining and it can affect your relationship if the couple is not careful. I think the foremost concern for many are the expenses for the wedding. I've been so concerned about them myself, good thing that he is there to pull me back to my senses. I've never really wanted a luxurious wedding; all I want is a simple one with more focus on the ceremony-the exchange of vows. But I guess if you are a gal and you start day dreaming about your wedding, you start wanting for more chuvaness.

I am thankful that he is more focused on saving for our life after the wedding. It was very sweet of him to say the other day that he did not want me spending big for the wedding [My solution to the long guest list was to take the tab on the food for the extra guests] and he wished that I would be content on what he will be able to come up with. I realized that I was causing a burden with all the day dreaming I did about the wedding. Of course, I will be content on whatever he spends for.

Eventhough we've known each other for almost six years now, there are still things that I don't know about him. I fall in love with him more with the little things that he does for or tells me during these last few days. I am gald he is more concerned about the after the wedding part and of the expenses for the little one (if ever). I am also happy that he is concerned about my health especially when I work straight for a full day. I always tell him I'll be okay since I sleep for long hours the next day, but that doesn't stop him from worrying. He says having a little one is more fullfilling than work-another one of the sweet things he told me lately. He is excited about it, whereas I am worried to the point that my ulcer is acting up again. I sometimes dont understand his excitement considering the expenses, but as Lem says: if he really loves me that much, he will be more excited and happy than concerned.

Copywriters Needed

2008-08-06T01:10:00.001-07:00

I need at least two copywriters who can write up to fifteen 300 word articles daily. Rate is negotiable, either per day or per article. SEO knowledge is a must.

Those interested, please send two sample copies to doriswriter at gmail.com.

Should have BPI/Gcash and gmail account.

So Happy...

2008-08-03T17:57:00.000-07:00

I owe him an apology about the things I said in my last post. I guess what was really bothering me was that we never got to talk much since I got back. But I'm okay now; I slept with a smile on my face last night. He made me really happy last night, although I wasn't expecting the proposal. Yup, that's right. I'm getting married, hopefully before the year ends.

Proposals can get too emotional. Even if it wasn't formal as it should be, napaiyak pa rin ako. He is keeping his promise/s after all. Things don't always go as planned but I do know that if two people really love each other, things will go as planned in the end. There will always be heart aches that both parties may not expect [it is true that your best friend can be your best enemy]. But as I told him, sepration/problems can sometimes do more good than bad. In our case, the separation [though it was the ugliest thing that ever happened to me] actually made both of us grow in ways we never would have while in the relationship.

I'm happy about a lot of things right now.

I'm happy we got to spend the longest time we ever could the other week.

I'm happy he met my mom. My mom never said anything bad about him so far and knowing who I am/is in the family, I don't think I will ever hear anything negative about him.

And, I'm happy about the things he said last night.

Directionless Yakking

2008-08-03T02:30:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my mind lately and I can't seem to give each thought enough attention[All I want to do is sleep, which is what I've been doing the last 3 days]. Maybe its because I'm worried that a little one is on its way or better yet, all my thoughts are related to it. I'm a bit angry and rebellious right now but I can't pin point at what or to whom. I want to quit my job, that's one thing I'm sure of; though I don't know how its related to what's been bugging me since I got back from Manila. If I do quit my job, will I miss accounting stuff? I'm not actually quitting on accounting coz I write financial news/reviews on the US stock market once a week. I think what I'm actually going to miss are the routinary processes that I do each month to balance the books.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't started writing and sometimes I wish I started writing as early as highschool like Lem. But there is one thing I'm thankful about since I started writing. I'm not worried about money anymore like I used to since I started working at the accouting/finance department. As my aunt puts it, I may not always have the cash but I sure do know where to get it. However, I had made a promise to myself that I'll never make money a reason to write an article.

This thing that's been bugging me about a little one being on the way... Part of me wants it to be true and part of me doesn't. I know its not about money or being financially stable to take care of the needs of having a little angel. I think its about being free; what and when to do things. [How many times have I said "I think"?...My thoughts are all a mess right now!] Lem suggested I get checked so I know for sure; don't have the guts to do so. I think part of me will be disappointed if it isn't true and I'm not ready for that disappointment.

Lem did ask me if I was sure about him. I don't want to answer, I don't need to. Right now I'm pissed off and I don't want to talk. I feel as if I opened my feelings/emotions too much too soon. I hope I don't fall as far as I did the last time[There is one thing I am sure of and it is this: Whatever I did or do, I know I don't deserve to be betrayed like the last time]. And as Lem says, I hope he is turning a new leaf.

I'm such a mess right now...and I hate it. [I know I'm going to face a much needed talking to about this post-both from him and the gals, but I don't care; this is my blog and I set this up for such yakking]

More Photos

2008-07-26T07:27:00.001-07:00

Can't seem to get enough photos to post. Hehehe

This one was taken by my mom at Kenny's. [Bare of all make-up essentials]
My new laptop's on the photo too. Ern wanted to open it so it would get included on the photo but its too much bragging for me already. Hehehe. This is enough-> It's the HP Pavillon Entertainment series.

Ern's Photos

2008-07-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

The sun sets on Manila. Taken from the International Airport

Taken a few minutes later

Me in need of a chair and a back massage!

Me and my mom. Caught off guard?
Taken at Kenny Rogers, MOA

Caption These

2008-07-23T03:25:00.001-07:00

Taken at Greenbelt 3, in front of Havana. Together at last?
Another pose? Maybe not.
Got a new digicam- Olympus u760 All Weather. Didn't know which setting works best at night so I tried them all. Can't remember which setting this one was taken on. The lights got messy but we decided to keep the pic anyway. Aura daw niya e.

Miss My Old [City] Life

2008-07-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

Living in the south has its pros and cons but what I really love about staying here is the accessible beach and the quaint atmosphere of our neighborhood. Sometimes though, the peacefulness of the place gets on my nerves. Its a good thing I can easily pack up my bags and head for Cebu where I get a doze of my college city life.

After I graduated from college I vowed never to have a hectic always on the go life. I juggled a job, a scholarship and my studies back then. My day started at 5 am and ended at 2 or 3 am the next day. But now that I've had a doze of slack sit back type of life, I realize I didn't want this after all. My latest trip to Cebu made me realize it more.

My friend got married and I was there for 5 days. I shopped non-stop and was out every night till 4 am. Just after my friend's wedding for instance, we (less the one who got married) headed for SM's North Wing to do a little shopping. [I already shopped the previous day for a dress and a two piece swim suit]. Can't remember the last time I had fun shopping. We tried on at least a dozen outfits and we'd take pictures in the fitting room. We got weird and angry looks from the sales ladies but they kept mum about it. Our looks showed we had the moolah to buy the things we tried on. [ Okay, I may be bragging a bit here but we actually had the moolah! wahahaha! I can be mean sometimes] Anyway, we headed for harbor city to eat. Then, we hit the grocery to buy junk food and the ingredients for our low-cal cocktails. We were going night swimming after.

We've changed much since college. I guess this is what happens when we earn our own money. We don't ride the jeepney anymore; we took the cab. By 9 pm we were on a cab on the way to Tubod-one of our favorite hang outs when we were in college. It was a resort located south of Cebu, about 2 towns from the City. When we arrived we immediately changed into our swim suits and took pictures. Good thing the guys weren't with us [its was a pure girl's night out] coz we spent a full hour taking pictures.

We noticed the resort had changed the lights. The last time we were there, the lights were hydrogen bulbs which automatically turned off when it was too hot. It was an advantage for gals who had their bfs with them. But not for me though, he rarely went to visit me in Cebu. Anyway, we lost track of time and by the time any of us noticed, it was 2 am! It was scary to be out at that time in that part of Cebu. It took us a scary [heart-pounding] jeepney ride to the next town where there was plenty of taxi. Some drunk snatcher looking guy was beside me and I spent the entire time waiting for him to say "hold up!". Good thing it did't happen. We had the taxi wait when we got to Mynet's place. The meter was at 300 when we got off the taxi so we hurriedly hanged our dripping wet swim suits.

As if the brandy we drank at Tubod wasn't enough, we had 3 or 4 bottles of Red Horse at the bar we went to. The lead guitarist was cute; he gave me the look when we got in. But he looked like he was about to fall on his feet himself so I ignored him. Mynet nudged my elbow though giving me the look that reminded me we were on a girl's night out and that I should have some fun. Anyway, enough about the boy thing coz nothing really happened. We were "bitin" on the drinks coz the bar closed an hour after we got in. So we scouted the area for another bar, this time we were looking for a karaoke bar. We did pass by a disco bar [we were in uptown and it was "bar capital"] but I was already tipsy so I suggested we looked for a karaoke bar as planned. Unfortunately, we didn't find one so we took a cab back to Mynet's place. We all squeezed into her bed; I dunno how we fit on the bed but we did. I was too drunk to notice. All I know was that my feet were dangling on the bed's headboard. lol!

I've been planning to move back to Cebu, he approves of it and maybe we'd spend a couple of months there before finally moving to Manila. Hope things work this time, I'm really looking forward to getting my old life back and being with him for good.

The Dream: My Wedding

2008-07-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

I suddenly appeared out of nowhere and the first thing I felt was the rush of cold wind that brushed against my face and slim frame. I shivered and I tried to hug myslef but i couldn't. I was holding a bouquet of tulips. Then I looked down; I was wearing a plain white flowing dress. Why will I be out at this hour dressed like this? Still disoriented, I looked around. The first person I saw was him, standing beside another man whom I did not know. He had same air of authority about him. Then I saw my friends and my family; that's when I guessed what was happening. As if on cue, my heart started pounding as fast and loudly as it could.

It was still dark but I knew this place too well. In a matter of minutes the sun would be up and so will the beautiful colors that comes with it. I always fall in love with the sunrise everytime I see it. And I know I would never have wanted my wedding to be in another setting. The love of my life plus the sunrise! Feel's like heaven in all its glorious state came down to witness this special moment.

I was getting weird and impatient looks from everyone so I started to walk forward. I noticed I didn't have any shoes on and that made me smile. I've always debated on whether I will wear shoes to my beach wedding; I could only guess it wasn't my decision. I know he decided for me...Just as I reached him, the sun was peaking from its 12 hour slumber. Shades of orange and red can already be seen. For a minute, I just stood there waiting for more beautiful colors. Then he nudged my hand and motioned for me to approach the minister. I remember the man now, he was there on my confirmation.

Then just as I was about to look up at him...I woke up.

Missing Me

2008-06-05T22:10:00.001-07:00

Here's a photo of me and two of my best friends. This was taken at Harbor's, one of our favorite hang outs coz it serves dimsum-need I say its one of our favorite food?

While we were eating, we couldn't help reminisce our college days and our love for dimsum-siomai and steamed rice. We'd cut classes just to eat dimsum!

Then our convo turned to spicy things about college days. We had to cover our ears and hug our bellies, trying hard not to hear the embarrassing details at the 'white house' and not to laugh to much. Miss my friends :(

And before I forget, I was in Cebu to attend Lem's wedding. Here's our cutsy photo.

The wedding was 'intimate', only family and close friends were present. Not the typical Filipino kasal ng bayan when even the bride and groom do not know their guests.

I'd like my wedding to be the same. Just family and friends.

I've always frowned at people crying during weddings, but I almost felt like crying when my friend walked down the aisle.

Falling Again

2008-05-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

Its back to haunt me. I guess this is what happens when you put off something for a long time. Its true that time does not heal anything.

Yesterday, I felt like I was falling into a bottomless pit again. Luckily it was American Idol season 7 finale, so I had something to be excited about. And falling wasn't really falling, more like falling with something to hold on to.

My day was spent doing all my chores and work so I would have the evening off and I could watch American Idol without any interruptions. I enjoyed the show and my niece who would shriek in her cute little voice "David Cook!". However, my loneliness had sunk in after the show-just after all the excitement had faded. And just like any normal feeling of being lonely and depressed, it left me feeling empty. I decided to drink it off and it did work for the time being.

I love being drunk because it gives me a feeling of being carefree and it makes me sleep. So after a little booze I went to bed early only to wake up by midnight. I came to haunt me again. I was falling into this bottomless pit again.

Internet Writer Must-Haves

2008-03-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

1. 24/7 Internet Connection. Internet is your lifeline so make sure you are connected to it all the time. You will be able to get good contracts if you visit the sites often. You will be able to do research without time constraint. And, having a 24/7 internet connection plan is cheaper.

2. Multi-coated Glasses. You will be facing the computer for long periods of time. If you don't have eye problems already, I am sure that after a month you will. Using multi coated glasses wil reduce the stress your eyes gets.

3. Coffee. Coffee to wake you up after a two-hour sleep. Coffee to last you till the wee hours. And [the aroma of] coffee to help you relax. Cheers to NESCAFE!

4. Vitamins. Drink your daily doze of vitamins. Working for long hours can be stressful. Although you may not feel the stress immmediately, when they do it may interfere with your work schedule. [Migraines can be very painful.] Vitamins B, C and Iron will equip you for the long hours of work. But do get a breather every once in a while. Don't corrupt your resouces.

5. Penguin Guide to Punctuation. Penguin Dictionary of Grammar. And, Penguin Guide to Plain English. I need not expain!

Well, there you have it! All you need to write for the internet.

One Hell of a Month!

2008-03-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

Whew! What a month! Time does passby so quickly. As much as I had promised myself to write on this blog, I just did not have the time. Although, I really do miss writing for myself.

What am I complaining for? Hahahaha! I should be happy that my efforts have finally paid off. Well, I am but how I wish I had more resources. I wish I have more time and more writers. Thank God cash and clients are the things I do not lack.

My lack of time can be resolved if I quit my day job. It is possiblbe but I still have to weigh the pros and cons. I did not get a degree just to throw it away. Well, it wouldn't be really throwing it away. I'd still be using my degree to manage my business and I would not have this business if not for it.

Monetary gain is also one of my concerns. What I earn in a week in my business, I earn for a month in my day job. Yes, the monetary gain is higher if I quit my day job, but I work freelance and have no permanent contracts. Although I know where to obtain clients, I have been educationally trained to firmly hold a bird in one hand rather than be content on the fact that there are many birds in the bush.

A friend once told me that there is more to life than work. I have been really thinking about what she said. If I quit my day job, I would have more time to do the things I really enjoy doing. Going out, reading, baking, spending time with family and [for this summer] going to the beach.

Well, I still have to think it over.

First Quarter Report

2008-03-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

This year started out bad for me. However, a bad start does not signify a bad year. In fact, things are turning out rather well. It is true about what they say about problems turning out to be a gold mine.

It has been two months, where am I?

I have managed to get my name on the internet.

I am now the author of 6 published articles, which can be found on several sites on the web, and the author of 10 more which are in different stages of completion. It was not easy and I never thought it would. It is a common mistake to think that internet copywriting is easy. Yes, once you get a steady stream of clients, money will start to pour in. However, you will have to put in a lot of time and effort developing and enhancing your copywriting skills and your credibility as a writer. Even if you are the best print copywriter yet you do not know how to communicate the value of your services, then you won't succeed on the web. It is all about how to get clients and how to handle your clients.

Of Blogs and Feeds

I have managed to increase traffic on my blog and, unintentionally on this one too.

I never really thought about how hooked up I am on what I have been doing for the last two months. I drove by a shop, that had a FEEDS sign, one day. I was on an office errand and I usually do not think about my copywrting during office hours, [Yes, I have a day job] but when I saw the sign, it got my mind working. It got me to thinking about my site and articles FEEDS. It was not until I had resolved my FEEDS problem that I realized the shop was selling hog FEEDS!

More good things to come

Lem told me to expect more good things to come. Indeed, I am expecting more.

In less than two months I have learned new words, written articles and I now know the difference between a semicolon and a colon. At this rate, I am excited to know where I will be after a year.

I see the need to open another blog, one that would concentrate on copies for women's magazines. It will be hard work ahead, but I do not mind. I enjoy writing and working to get my blogs on search engines.

Thank you

Thanks to Lem, who introduced me to copywriting. I have found a way to redirect my anxiety. You know I needed this.

Thanks to my family who supports me and believes that I will keep the ball rolling until it gathers the momentum of a speed ball. I am expecting the new laptop and digicam, hahahaha!

And of course, my clients and the people who posted my articles on their sites. Expect more good, original and solid content from me.

The Biggest Mistake In My Life

2008-03-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

I am a snob! Yes, it is true and I am not ashamed to say this. Yet, I can be funny and friendly in my own womanly way. I choose my firends well especially of the opposite sex. I do not spread myself too thinly, so, when I consider someone a friend, he/she is a friend for life.

When I was in college I got hooked on chat. I met a lot of persons, mostly Filipinos. I did not chat with foreigners; afraid that the cultural differences would get in the way of pursuing true friendship. To make the story short, I got hooked on someone and got dumped, several times, I might add.

I turned my back on him, the last time there was any dumping that happened. I could have moved to where he was, yet I opted to turn my back. Turning my back on him [and yes on love and companionship as well] was the hardest decision I had to make. I was not making rational decisions anymore, which was my trademark among my friends. My turning back gave me a good view of the relationship. And I realized, I had made the biggest mistake in my life. I was a snob for one reason, to keep away from the likes of him. The person who is so bitter enough not to maintain a friendship. I have things to say, and I hope you listen well:

1. May I remind you that you literally told me to get lost. With the things you called me, I would not want to do anything else.

2. I have changed my URl, meaning I do not want you to find me, but you did. Do not leave me any messages. I have no interest in you or in anything that you have to say.
3. I have nothing more to offer you, my offer of friendship do not stand anymore. I offered it that one time, and you forfeited it by not taking it. I could only care less for people who do not know the value of friends.
4. I do not know you, I never have.

It's good to be home

2008-03-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

Home at last! I spent a few days-boring days I might add, in the BIG city. I've always found the city a melancholic place to be in. I finished the things I needed to oversee early, and I found myself without nothing to do. How ironic is that? I was in the city that had everything!

My day started out rather nice. It had stopped raining, so with coffee in hand, I took a walk around. I always feel at peace here. I spend my weekdays in our house in the city(not the BIG city I was talking about) but this is where home is for me. Much of the highlights of my childhood were spent here. The memories I have were either with my great grandfather-he started this farm or with my young aunts and uncles. Life is simple here. To get what you need, you'd have to work for it. If you wanted fresh organic fruits and vegies, you'd have to plant them. If you wanted water, you'd have to work on the water pump. We did have an electric pump but electricity is a problem here: there isn't a week that goes by without a black out, that lasts for half a day.

When I went back in the house, I was feeling a liitle euphoric that I wanted to write. But just as I was about to , the electricity went out. I've just recently learned that life is all about making choices. If I chose to brood about not having electricity, my day would be ruined. I chose not to, so I busied myself with the morning chores that needed to be done. The hired help do not come on Sundays, so it was just me and my lola. I did the dishes-first cleaning the dirty kitchen and working with the water pump so I could stock-up the water I would need. My lola went about feeding the animals. It was good bonding for both of us. It's only been a while that I reconnected with her-due to my problem and all the sad things that had happened to me. Of all the people who would understand me most, it would be her. She encourages me to continue writing. When I'm a bit depressed about my writing she reminds me that I'm just starting, I'm still young and I have a lot to learn. I blame myself for not giving any attention to writing for the last eight years. My fourteen-year old cousin writes well and has already written a novel. I should have started when I was in high school. But as they say, better late than never.

My lola and I had lunch together. We had fresh fish and vegies. I ate plenty, which was very unlikely because of my bad eating habits lately. My lola was happy I did, I am too. It got me to thinking about the reason I eat plenty when I'm here. I know it's not the dishes we cook here because we usually have the same dishes in the city. Maybe, it is because I am happy here. I feel good about myself, and when I do, I feel my life has meaning. It motivates me to eat.

After lunch, there was still no electricity so I decided to write my copies the old fashioned way: in pen and paper. Two hours after:here I am, still writing, with David Benoit and Yanni on my playlist....

Washing my laundry in public?

2008-03-08T00:04:00.000-08:00

My friend, after reading my post "A Journey", asked me why I posted, for all the world to read, what had happened to me. I simply told him that I do not care if the world knew what happened to me. Maybe they'd find something helpful in it for them.

Am I washing my laundry in public? I think not. I'm telling the world who I am.

I failed.

I was hurt.

I realized my mistakes and failures.

I accept the pain.

I am walking out of it with grace and my dignity intact.

I did not break any of the principles I believe and walk on.

I am proud to say I am Lil Feather.

I am not afraid to tell the world I am moody-I will always will.

I know I can love unconditionally.

SO...

I do not need to HIDE anymore.

Yes, there is a box!

2008-03-07T23:45:00.000-08:00

There is a box.

Make rational decisions.

Think outside the box.

If you do not believe there is a box.

You.....

do not make rational decisions.

act or decide on impulse.

let emotions-mature or not, affect your decisions and actions.

often hurt the one you love and.....yourself

immature.

The box = emotional field

On Women

2008-03-07T02:50:00.000-08:00

I came across this article in the papers today-03-07-2008 that I'd like to share. It's on the women in advertising. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to post it here. Just please go to inquirer website. Go to the business section, view all headlines then click on the 10 wishes for women in advertising. Enjoy!

Going Home

2008-03-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

1. GROW UP! Your are not a child anymore, your needs and wants will not be realized if you just passively sit and wait.

2. GO HOME. The love you crave for is difficult to feel at a DISTANCE.

3. The decision of wether you are STRONG enough is YOURS alone to make.

4. You have the CHOICE not to bring back the blames and shame. Take your relationship out from the painful PAST.

5. Do not go home armed with the words "denial", "anxiety" and "solution". Instead ARM yourself with COMPASSION.

6. They do not need to be FIXED but rather, they need to be LOVED. If they are SECURE enough in your love, they will want change because they know that if they FAIL you will still love them.

7. ACCEPT and LOVE them despite their FLAWS.

8. Do not COMPARE them to others or your ideals.

9. There is a DIFFERENCE between APPROVAL and LOVE.

10. You do not need to like what they LIKE, eat what they EAT, be interested in their INTERESTS.

11. Change from ADVOCACY to INQUIRY. You will show more interest, respect and humility.

12. The ANSWER is just as powerful as the question. It can give you the MOTIVATION to listen.

13. If you truly LISTEN, you will find the meaning in everything, in everywhere, even in YOURSELF.

14. The respect you have for them is equal to the RESPECT you have for YOURself.

15. Do not be afraid to let you thoughts and feelings be KNOWN.

16. MONITOR you feelings and anxiety.

17. Be SECURE in you ability to love-without FEAR of engulfment and ABANDONMENT.

18. Greet each new day with the hope of change and IMPROVEMENT, not victory.

19. You will know when you have succeeded because you will be able to say "I am loved because I love" not "I love because I am loved" and also say "I need you because I love you" and not "I love you because I need you".

20. If you fail, ask yourself this: "Why did this happen again?" and "What am I going to LEARN this time?"

A Journey

2008-03-05T19:31:00.000-08:00

When my boyfriend left me, I was so devastated. I sailed through a stream of emotions that left me so lost: shock, anger, hate, self pity, jealousy and then back to anger again. I planned to seek professional help but had put it off for a long time that when I did, it was almost too late. I had a problem concentrating on anything and my eating habits were at its worst-I ate only so I would not be admitted at the hospital for my ulcer. I had gone from a size 12 to an 8, in just a month.

When I started my counseling sessions, I found out, that what happened was the last of a chain of events. It started with problems at home. They had something to do with my mom and stepfather again. In our way to cope with it, my siblings and I had formed an alliance against the villains at home: mom and their dad. When I could not handle it anymore, I started denying the problem. I was physically present at home, yet I was in an inward depression. I slept early, 7 pm at the most-not eating dinner. The next day, I left early for work-not eating breakfast. Since, I spent time only on work; I had neglected everyone including my boyfriend

The real problem was with my family and my denying it had unconsciously affected my relationship with my boyfriend. The last year of our relationship was very rocky. I had unconsciously avoided talking to him and had hated whenever he would confide a problem in me. I began loosing respect for him: I doubted his ability to take care of me and decided not to trust him anymore. I did not see him as an equal but someone inferior to me. Now, I understand that my actions were the effects of problems at home. I could not stop getting hurt with the problems that were happening at home so, I put up a barrier between us- in a relationship that I had more control of things. This was a way to avoid getting hurt just in case things do not go well between us. Little did I know that my actions would backfire on me. He left me for another woman. I blamed him for the break up and I did not recognize my part in it. If he had not been self-centered, he would have known that my actions toward him were the result of my problems at home and were not intentionally done to hurt him. He should have helped me.

If I had sought counseling early, I could have saved my relationship with my boyfriend. But then again, things happen for a reason. I would not have learned this much about me if things did not happen the way it did-too painful. I just had to learn the hard way.

REMEMBERING

The first step we did in my counseling sessions was remembering and reflecting. The word “remember” alone made me anxious. I begged to just move on to present events and the course of actions I needed to take. But my counselor said that who I am today and how I see my life and the world can be explained by the past. For me to change my perspective, I needed to reframe the past. After all, my intention to engage in counseling was to understand the painful events that happened and to have peace of mind.

I had always blamed my mom and my past for the way I handle my relationships with men. I was born when my mom was in college and was left to the care of my grandparents, aunts and uncle. They treated me like a princess and had always gotten what I needed and wanted. However, things changed when they all relocated. I was left with my mom and her new family: she had gotten married 2 years after I was born. I did not get along well with my stepfather and neither did my mom and him. My siblings and I had very painful childhood. If anything good had come out of it, it was our staying together to be there for each other. Unconsciously, we hated our mom but loved her dearly-if only she would leave her husband. Things mellowed down as we grew up but there were still incidents of conflicts that would happen and leave us all hurt. It would bring up the past and we would once again find ourselves very angry at our mom. We would be on tip toe for weeks. My mom would smother us with affection and love. We were careful no to hurt her, so we agreed to anything.

My mom’s choice in men: irresponsible and lacked the ability to hold a job and be financially stable, had made me set up high standards in my own choice. I had dreamed of the perfect guy: rich and responsible-a guy without flaws. I had always compared guys I had relationship to, to my standards and was always apprehensive-not really showing my love, when they did not meet up to them, which was always the case.

Remembering had enraged me so much that I began to unconsciously show actions that diverted or stopped me from doing the next work. I put on a false self that had me pretending to be either vary happy or just did not care about my problems. My counselor explained that this was signal anxiety and we had to deal with it. So we did, before we moved further to reflecting and reframing my past. (I will discuss how I dealt with anxiety in my next post)

REFLECTING

I was told that to reflect, I must take a leap of faith-that much of what I know might be wrong. I should drop the blame and labels of my family for me to have a wider perspective. She had asked me to be receptive: explore further with an open heart and mind. I was made to go back to moments of conflicts, but asked not to react to it-she knew the pain and anger would be back.

There was one incident that happened recently that had made me tell my mom, she did not pity us for what we were going through. It made my mom so sad that she told us they would just leave us-me and my siblings. This made me take things into my own hands; I started taking responsibility over my sibling’s needs. But in the end, this has made me even angrier because when I needed money for my own needs, there was none.

I had reflected on that moment very often: my mom would leave us for him. Why? I was asked to widen my view by looking back to the time she met my biological father. She must have fallen in love with him because they had eloped and lived together for some time. However, my father was a scoundrel and could not be committed to a woman for a long time. Eventually, he left her and my mom had to go back home to face shame and contempt. I could just imagine the pain she must have felt. She was pregnant and without a husband to be there for her. I now understood her reaction to protect her relationship with her husband; she did not want to be left alone again. Her actions toward us were not intentionally done to hurt us, but her way of coping. I now understand, but it did not mean that I agree with her. With her past experience with my dad and the poverty she grew up in, she longs for attention and love, which blinds her from things she should not hold on to-things that needed change.

With my new perspective, I began observing my mom with renewed feelings: loving and understanding, not with judgment and hate. Despite our conflicts, she really loves us and has always been proud of our achievements. She had always made a way to provide us with our needs.

Incidents happen not because of someone’s willful acts but because of a more fundamental human weakness: inability to stop harm from happening. We should not deny our past but rather see it in a wider perspective because our perspective of it might be limited-because of the person who had observed the past: a child/teenager.

Incidences of conflicts takes up only a small percentage of life yet the meaning and importance we give it influences how we see our self in the world-as neglected, a victim as struggling/successful. With my limited view of the past, I had always considered myself the victim of my mom’s mistakes. I now understand that those incidents happened not to hurt me. The past can be used to explain who I am today, but I am the story teller, I choose to have a different moral of the story. Yes, the isolation was very painful, yet I can triumph over it by re connecting with my family-my mom and the people whom I have hurt.

I have defined who I am with my limited perspective of the past. Now with a wider perspective, my definition of myself is gone. Who am I then? I find my self shaky and afraid to find out who I really am, but with the help of my family and friends, I know I can take on this journey: a journey to find myself.

I know for one that I do not want a grand guy-a guy without flaws. I want a guy human enough to make mistakes, but mature enough to recognize them and improve. I want a guy who is not rich but who is hard working enough like me. I do not care for riches because I have never wanted to be rich; I only want my needs to be met. I need a guy I can mature and grow old with and most importantly, a guy I can love unconditionally.

In my wish to fix things, I have again made another mistake. I have hurt again, the person I once loved and still do. I tried to wake up the old sleeping dog, when he was not ready to talk. I am deeply sorry. I hope that he reads this. I hope he finds it in him to forgive me and stop reacting to the past so we can reconnect again, as friends. I truly respect you and have always admired your optimism. You have always proven your worth, going against the odds and fate. I do not want your anger to affect any relationship you have. TIME HEALS NOTHING and I hope we can talk soon, without the pain and anger.

WHAT I LOVE TO DO ON A COLD RAINY DAY

2008-03-04T02:26:00.000-08:00

eat 1 pint of chocolate ICE CREAM!

No Grey Areas For Me

2008-03-03T20:11:00.000-08:00

For me, it's either a yes or no. If I go in between then something is wrong. It's not the real me. I'm assuming a false self: either a grand self or infantile self.

I decided to write this down not for the reason that this is part of my being depressed, but for my friends to understand me better. Don't take it against you if I do not talk to you, I simply have something important in mind. And if you really are a friend, you'd know what to do.

1. Either I'm with you or not. When I DO NOT AGREE to what you say or DO NOT DO what you want, it simply means I DO NOT TRUST YOU.

2. I either READ or NOT. No offense to the author. What I read depends on my mood and my needs. My ex once gave me a book titled the The Road Less Traveled. I didn't read it-I skimmed through it, then gave it back when we broke up. Now, that I find myself searching for the real me, I found myself reading and wanting to read more books on the same topic. I love to read but I DO NOT FORCE myself to read what I do not like, even if it's a requirement for school or work.

3. I either eat or not. When I WANT to eat, I EAT. I'm a connoisseur of good food. When I'm DEPRESSED, I DO NOT EAT. I can maintain a 28 waist line for a year then loose 5 inches the next month, and maintain it for four months tops-with the help of my trusty companions ANTACID, SODA CRACKERS and OMEPRON!

4. Am either concerned about my health or simply DO NOT CARE. I usually monitor my sugar, calcium and salt intake because my family do not have moolah to bequest, only diabetes and kidney problems. When I think my LIFE has NO MEANING, I simply do not care what I eat and drink.

5. I either talk or just SHUT UP. I DO NOT care for SMALL TALK- I hate talking about the weather. When I have something to say, I say it and discuss at length- if needed. I can talk endlessly about life to the person I find, I can talk to about anything and nothing. Isn't nothing NOTHING? Whatever! It's nothing when you're in love!

6. I'm either IN-CHARGE or NOT. When I lived at home and my mom had to take a trip, I was in charge of the house-budget, cooking, laundry, everything! But when she comes back, I don't bother stepping into the kitchen or knowing what's for dinner-I do not eat at home. I do not like telling other people how to run their own homes, that why IM IN-CHARGE of MY own place.

7. You are either my FRIEND or NOT. I keep a few friends but they know me well. I care and love them deeply. When you do not know me well, and I decide to call/see you out of the blue, that's just me taking a rain check-I'M FLIRTING! I'm depressed and lonely.

I am depressed when I:

2008-03-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

1. am being a bitch.

2. am overly critical.

3. don't eat.

4. sleep a lot.

5. can't write, even a decent 200-word copy.

6. don't talk.

7. can give a perfect figure-a budget for a trip or business.

8. create a database in a week.

9. play SUDOKU for an hour.

10. don't wear makeup.

11. don't care about what I wear.

12. don't cook/bake.

13. don't care when weeds grow in my garden.

14. make stupid lists, such as this.

A Tribute to Lozada

2008-02-11T20:42:00.000-08:00

I would like to allot this space to show my support to Mr. Lozada, on his being a witness to the current Senate Hearing.

It is also the first time that I ever agreed to anything that Sen. Lacson has to say. It is true that, sadly, people are afraid of the government instead of the other way around. He acknowledged Lozada's courage and told Loazada that "He is an inspiration to all of us".

I admire Lozada's wittiness, despite the seriousness of the matters being discussed. Keep up the good work!

Reverse Enlightenment

2008-02-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

I came across this episode on a book by George Dawes Green. This pretty much sums up what I'm going through. And I quote:

Our guest doesn't think his ass has any value. It's sort of a reverse enlightenment-he himself, the I of him, he imagines is worthless. Meanwhile he values dearly the world around him. Some of the creatures in it. Its platitudes. Its jewels. Like all frightened losers, he makes too much of these things. What in Tibet they call the lokas-the blurred smoldering lights of temptation. He's built an altar to them, when we threaten him, he puts his back to the altar. He'll defend it with his life.

"So what do we do?"

It wont be easy. Its not a matter of slapping him around a little. It takes great suffering and patience and persistence to change things at the souls core. But once he learns his lesson, I believe that he'll be grateful for it or I hope he will. Despite his anger. Despite his bitterness.

My Wish for You

2008-02-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

How I wish I can bring back time and take all this sadness away, yet as I have said before, all the happiness might be lost as well.

I want to thank you for a lot of things.

First, I want to thank you for the happiness and dreams we have shared this last five years. It is just sad though, that when it mattered most, we were not there for each other.

Thanks for your actions that allowed me to grow. Although the last five months have been hell for me, I'd be willing to go through it again if it means giving me more opportunity to grow. My gratitude however does not mean that I agree with your recent actions. I wish you could have acted in a more subtle and mature way.

I have grown more and matured the last five months than I have the last five years. I have achieved more patience and objectivity, realizing that not all that I plan and want, happens the way I intend them to be. I have found peace with the sounds and beauty of nature. Watching the sunrise both gives me sadness and joy. Sadness, because I know I have to move on, I am being given another chance at life and love. Joy, because God gave me this beauty to appreciate and I am thankful that despite my sadness, I could still find joy and beauty in such a simple thing. How I wish I could share that peace I feel every morning, but you are on a different level of self discovery yourself, and I can only wish you well.

God has been good to me as well. I have learned to rely on the power of prayer. You won't appreciate more the love of God unless you are faced with the most painful situation. As I have learned, this situations is just a way of pushing ourselves to do better, to be a better person. And I found that I was never alone and never have been. When I think that my day is the gloomiest day ever, God has a way of sending a ray of light, that no matter how small , it never fails to give me joy that would encourage me to live, even just through the day. And I was amazed at the rays of light God has given me, old friends, new friends or even just strangers whose simple actions or words have been a blessing to me.

My wish for you is to be truly happy, as what you have said. I am sad though at your lack of respect for her and your relationship. Be the good person that you are, when I met you. The person that I have grown to love and respect despite your mediocrity, immaturity and childish ways. Though I am flattered of your attention and love, I know it is wrong and I want you to be a better person. I want you to have this chance at love, at life. To have the right perspective about life and love. And to learn, what really are the important things in life.

Accepting who you are is not enough. I advice you to outgrow your childish ways, because there are already a lot of things being thrown your way that requires you to act with care and maturity. I do not want to see you fail.

Sadly, I have associated my happiness with you and our relationship, have associated the happiest morning in my life with you. But now, that I have seen our differences and physical incompatibility, it is obvious that to continue to want a relationship with you, would only result to a disaster. I know, I can find that happiness again, and I hope that you pray I do.

As of now, the answer to my prayers is "To wait".

Daw Nasusunog

2008-02-05T01:02:00.001-08:00

This is a Waray Waray song that I love, dunno the author though, but I'm not claiming this as mine.

Daw Nasusunog

Daw nasusunog, sidsid han langit
Pati an dagat gindadala-it
Bangin ha unhan, may nagkaingin
Nga madlos huyog hinin hangin.

Iton mga balod, iton mga balod
Mulayan han dagat
Nga dit' ha kalawdan, nagbabalatbagat
An gab-i nga dulom, an gab-i nga dulom
An dagat naranggat.
Nga nakakaliaw han mga dumaragat.

Adto na'an adlaw, nagligidligid
Didto huhuron, luyo han bukid
Bunyog panguli an katamsihan
Nahadlok bangin magab-ihan.

Was He An Angel?

2008-01-27T16:27:00.000-08:00

It was still dark when I went out of the house. I had set my alarm for four thirty, so it must still be a few minutes before five. I zipped my wind breaker just a little as a breeze passed me. The temperature is cool. It has only been a week since it stopped raining since the holidays, though I know it's only a matter of weeks until it settles into a more comfortable, warmer weather.

I made my way out of the subdivision. When I reached the highway, I stopped. I waited a minute. Only one car went by, so I decided to walk on the asphalt road rather than on the shoulder of it. It was easier to walk on it, that I didn't have to balance my body and didn't have to always look down trying to watch my step. Plus my shoes wouldn't get wet from the dew on the grass.

I said a small prayer asking for protection as I started on. The highway always gave me the creeps although I haven't had a bad experience yet since I started making it a habit walking to the park in the mornings. About fifteen years ago, this road was not usually used and there were no houses yet for about another kilometer from our subdivision. It used to be a dumping site for dead bodies. The bodies would not be found until it smelled so bad it bothered the motorists they had to check it out. I shiver at the thought of it now. But nothing has happened to me yet. I often meet farmers dressed in skimpy shorts with bare bolos stringed to their sides. Even if their look scares me and gives me a feeling as if I were on the movie "The Ripper", I just lower my head and be on the look out if anything happens. In case they decide to stab me!

The road was lined with Gemelina trees, the wind softly blowing the leaves, creating a mystical musical sound. The leaves are shaped like a spade yet with two or four more points at either side. The trunk is often used by the electric company as posts since they grow so stall and straight when planted at a near distance from each other.

It always makes me frown however, when I see Gemelina trees along the highway, it wasn't the best idea planting these trees here. They were planted near the road and at a distance fom each other that alllowed it to grow big trunks and branches. Yes, it provides a good shade for those waiting for their rides or for people who liked to walk when the sun was up. But during typhoons, they usually cause a lot of trouble. They do grow big but their roots doesn't seem to grow deep as big trees should, causing the tree to be uprooted, sometimes taking the electric wires with them.

I walked further on and was now near the gate of the regional police camp. In front of it, accross the road, was a new subdivision made for the police officers working at the camp. There was always a guard on duty at the gate of the camp and it made me feel safe that someone would see me for a few meters more before I reach the bend of the road, just in case anything happens. I am usually with my sister during my walks, but she isn't here, and I desperately needed to walk and see the sunrise. It helps keep the depression to a level I can handle.

After twenty minutes, I reached the crossroads, crossed the street, getting off the highway. One kilometer more and I would be at the park. I noticed, it wasn't as dark as it was when I left the house and decided to walk faster. I jogged a little but then stopped. My body wasn't used to exerting this amount of energy and I didn't want to get a cramp. I just walked a little faster. I did not want to miss the sunrise.

After fifteen minutes more, I was at the park. This park has been around for more than 50 years. It is supposed to be a memorial of the Americans, Gen. Douglas McArthur mainly when they came to drive the Japanese away. During the time of the Pearl Harbor bombing. There were even monuments made up at the highest part of the park.

There were bicycles parked on the street. The owners sitting on the benches talking to each other. There were no tourists yet. I could never understand why these people wanted to see the park itself and not what was behind it, it was more beautiful at the back of the park. I made my way up the stairs, passing by the monuments, then back down again. I could now see the horizon and the sea, a little gray since there was barely any light yet. This part of the park can't be seen from the street, you'd have to go up and then down the stairs.

I made my way further to where the benches were, near the cement damn. I looked at the horizon and I could feel the breeze rushing past me. I hugged myself trying to keep warm, it will be warmer any minute now. I went about my ritual in sitting down. The benches were made of cement and it was always wet from the morning dew. I put my feet up and started to kneel on the bench, trying to dry it with my pants, then finally sitting down, crossing my ankles.

I took a deep breath. This was a peaceful place, I didn't mind walking two kilometers just to be here. I gazed at the sea, there were no waves yet, the calm water adding more serenity to the place. I looked around, there were two guys down the stairs, on the beach to my left. They were regulars doing their exercise, I used to see them during the summer as well. By what they were wearing, I could tell they lived near by. I felt a little envious that they didn't have to walk far. I was still catching my breath till now.

My gaze went back to the water and to the horizon. The sun was starting to rise now. I took a deep breath and concentrated on what was about to happen. The sky slowly turned red and orange and yellow as if I was on my way to the gates of heaven itself. The ocean was turning a little orange too, as the shifting of colors reflected on it, water rippling and sparkling with the changing light, the vision wonderful, almost like going up to heaven. I've never been to heaven, so I just envision it would be this wonderful. Nothing could be this wonderful but heaven itself.

I closed my eyes to meditate. I imagined I could hear Yanni's Reflection together with the soft sound of the waves hitting the concrete. Then I started to pray, God it is so beautiful here. This is the kind of nirvana I felt when I was with him, why would you take him away from me? What am I not seeing? What am I not hearing? I could feel my tears running down my cheeks. Could feel the cold wind drying them. I could not describe the intensity of what I was feeling, love, anger, sadness, hope and fear, all whirling together. How I wish I could bring time back and take all the sadness away, yet I have a feeling that if I do, all the happiness would be gone as well. So I just accept the memories, only that I keep them inside. I was getting good at denial. I only bring them out when I am faced with something as beautiful as the sunrise. To help me ease the pain of it all.

I prayed a bit more, and was feeling so lost, my prayer intensified, and I must have said out loud "What am I not hearing?". I suddenly heard a voice saying "You must be trying too hard to listen." My eyes instantly flew open. I looked to my right because that was where I heard the voice coming from. I saw the guy earlier doing his exercise on the sand, he was standing in between the bench I was sitting on and the next bench which was no more that two meters away. He was standing a little farther back so I was able to see his face clearly. His eyes were closed, he had this peaceful look in his face, he was almost smiling , his thick brows were relaxed, not like mine when I close my eyes. The look in his face stopped me from asking if he had said anything, maybe later when he was done closing his eyes. I looked around more, there was no one else nearby who could have said those words. I looked at him a few minutes more, watching the breeze blow his hair. It was a little long, almost up to his ears. I waited.

I envied the look in his face so i decided to gaze back at the rising sun.

It had turned different shades of yellow, each paler than the last. I closed my eyes again, continued my prayer. I don't know how many minutes have passed. It must have been a while, because I could now feel the sun's hot rays on my face. I must have gone into a deep level of meditation, almost like falling asleep. When I opened my eyes and looked around, the guy wasn't there anymore. I got up and made my way up the stairs, looking around for the guy. If he lived just nearby, he wouldn't be on the path I am now, he would have walked on the beach and exited through the two nearby beach resorts. So I looked down on the beach, he wasn't there. Was it really him who said those words?

I made my way down the park disappointed. I walked back to where I came in. I noticed, there were tourists now, having their pictures taken with the monuments.

I crossed the road and started to walk the two kilometers back home. I couldn't help think about what happened. Had I imagined that voice? It was said with an accent that you only get by living in the US. So I guess it was not the voice of God or an angel. God just doesn't drop down any minute he wants to like in the Old Testament days. It must have been that guy. Could he be the angel I had been fervently praying for these past few days?

I thought about it more as I reached the highway, slowly remembering every detail of it, every minute. Now that I thought about it this way, it left me laughing so hard I had to hug my stomach. It was a good thing I hadn't run away when I heard that voice! I could only imagine the look on that guys face. Openning his eyes to a lady running away with a scared look in her face. It was like a scene from a cartoon movie, when the character would pray and a voice would suddenly answer him. Or a scene from a scary movie!

I just brushed the thought away as I walked further home. I had a lot of other problems to think about. I had no time to think if that was a voice of an angel or just from a guy who couldn't mind his own business. I'd investigate on it more next time.

Letter

2008-01-23T17:05:00.000-08:00

I have many things to say, and you always seem to be busy and can't find time for us to talk. And when we do talk, it is always hurried because of the lack of time and we end up having more misunderstandings. So i decided to write it down.

Last December, I had already given up on the possibility that there would be a good ending for us after all this. When you told me that you won't be able to leave her anymore, I am only to guess that things have gotten so complicated between the two of you. You know me, I do what is right and what is logical. You can't say I did not try to fix this. The only thing I dont understand is why you would come back when things have already become complicated for the two of you. That was the most hurtful thing that you ever did to me. I went to Manila with no expectation. I only wanted to enjoy the time that you would give so I would have something to hold on to during the times that I would long for you. But then, things have gotten more complicated. Yes, we talked, and have thanked you enough for it already, but your explanations just dont seem o fit. You treated me as if I was the other woman, when in fact, when you look back, of when the two of you became a couple, I think it's the other way around. But you know me, I know how to respect other persons feelings, I just accepted what you were willing to give me. I did not want to give what you were asking for for two reasons: 1.) You had another girl, and I do not want her to be put in the same situation that I am now. You do not seem to respect her much. I do, even if I shouldnt. Ayoko ma karma, I just can't imagine the turmoil I would be in right now, if I said yes. I wouldn't be alive anymore siguro kakaisap where the two of you are every night since monday, but I do think about it and I am getting sicker every day. You don't seem to care. 2.) I would not want to loose my virginity in some cheap motel, that I even paid for.

You are right, you do not seem to know what is right and wrong. It is never right to sleep with two women at the same period of time, especially when you say you love them both. IT IS NOT RIGHT. IT IS UNETHICAL.

As for my moving there, I had already planned to move there last December. Yet you dumped me and I just went crazy spending money everwhere. I did not tell you I was planning to move there and of my resignation too. I plannned to surprise you. But then, I asked you what you wanted after my trip there. You said "try n try pa rin natin", na "ang totoo you want me to move there to see how we will go along". I am okay with that I dea, but you said "try NATIN". I would do my part, but you are not willing to do yours. Here I am planning my move there, and you are still seeing her. You can't seem to choose. And I do not want to ask this from you because you should know what to do. Given your age and your level of maturity. I tell you, it isn't fare for me. After thinking about my moving there for a long time, 3 days actually, it would be like taking my life, taking into consideration the amount of money I have. Since you are not yet financially stable, I know I wouldn't be able to ask you for help financially. So I just thought maybe we could see each other and spend it well, so we could have something to hold on to while we are not yet together. But you seem to be nandidiri with the idea. And given the current situation, that you don't even talk to me anymore and the two of you are together every night, I think I understand your reaction. What I don't understand is why you want me to move there when you have someone else already? Mabibitay ako when I go there at wala na akong maaabutan. And what you said kanina have led me to decide to let go na lang. You said, wala na ako maabutan, miski ngaung end of the month. e, sa feb 17 pa ang sked ko tlga, so walang wala na akong maabutan. I can accept anything, as long as it is the truth, no matter how painful. If that is the situation between the two of you, na wala na ako maabutan, then, we really have no chance d ba? I only require full honesty from you, yet hindi mo maibigay. And if I were in her position, na sabi mo nga, may nangyari na sa inyo, I would assume na kasal na ang end for it. So, I am letting you go. I am still hoping though na it would end well for us. But I am leaving it up to you. Ayoko maging makulit at mawalan ka ng respect for me. My offer still stands, I am inviting you over this Feb. 17 and 18. Para I can have something to hold on to during the hard times that will come my way. No expecations, no responsibilities.

But you know what I am really hoping for. I can only pray for your happiness, I've always wanted that for you, yet sadly, you have put us in a level where I cannot fully want that for you.

Kung magbago ang isip mo, I will still be here. Just find your way home, to us. You know how much I love and care for you.

The Other Side of A Love Story

2007-12-11T23:54:00.000-08:00

I like to watch love story movies, I always like happy endings. I like to pretend I was the girl in the story. I'd end up crying because my life is full of sad endings.

Recently I began to wonder what happens to the other part of the story? Remember in The Notebook, when Allie broke up with Lon? What ever happened to Lon? How did he cope up? I know this is a stupid question since the movie is about Noah and Allie. It's supposed to have a happy ending for them.

This came to my attention because, I found myself on the other side a Love Story.

Three months after my boyfriend and I broke up, during his birthday, he sent me a message giving me his number. I wanted to greet him so I called him up. I was by the way, half way through my healing process(after the break up and all). It turns out he wanted back in my life. At that point I was still angry and was very careful with my decisions. I didn't' want to go back to square one of my healing process. But since he seemed sincere, I was willing to try again.

So I asked him every question there was about the relationship. Later he proposed and just as I was going to say yes, I found out they(with the other girl) were together the day he proposed to me. Again, I found myself falling into a bottomless pit. No matter what the wrongs I did in my life, I definitely did not deserve this. We had a very long conversation about what he really wanted. In the end, it was still the same, he wanted me but he still had to go to work(she was a co worker) and he couldn't guarantee anything.

I don't know how angry I am this time. I just don't want to show it, to show how stupid I am. I am weary, bone weary. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I know the story is finished. Another happy ending (in the making) for them, not for me.

I guess, I'm back to square one.

After a While

2007-11-12T19:45:00.001-08:00

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning.
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a women, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for future plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight,
And after a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strongAnd you really do have worth
And you learn and learn...With every goodbye, you learn.

This poem is by Veronica Shofstall. It felt better after reading this.

Recovery

2007-10-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

It has been a month since the end of my relationship with my boyfriend of five years. I took a last swig last night, to celebrate my freedom!finally!

I still can't believe that such as heart-breaking situation would happen to me. I would have been okay if it ended quietly. But it didn't. This was totally unexpected. I am a list kind of person. I plan things so no unexpected thing would happen. But something did happen. I felt like the world around me was spinning and I was suddenly falling into a bottomless pit. I was totally unprepared. I realized that life's circumstances are not always what I plan them to be. That I have no hold over this situation. That things don'nt go necessarily as planned. And beyond my understanding I can be led into situations I never dreamed would happen to me.

I have been picking up the pieces these last few weeks. Trying to mend my broken spirit. It is hard and painful. Why does healing take so long? I wanted to wake up one day and not feel any anger and pain anymore. What I did't realize was that healing is the proccess to being me again. The cries, anger, self pitty-all of them included. This have been a time for me to develop patience ( which I'm not very good at, that's why I bake and not cook) and to obtain more objectivity. To detach myself from the situation, to see myself from outside the box. And once I did, I realized this was a blessing after all, taking into consideration what he was capable of(hurting me).

I have been going home to my grandma's place every weekend. It's almost the same place as it used to be when I was a kid. I remember many good memories. It makes me smile. It makes me happy. My grandma used to complain about the long coffee breaks I have, but I just smile at her. Maybe after a while she understood I needed the time for myself.

My spending time with myself allowed me to have a stronger sense of who I was and I am happy that I was developing into the person that I want to be. I realzed that even if I can't change the situation, I can change my attitude towards it. I choose to be hopeful and to act from faith rather than be hopeless and act from fear. I choose to enjoy life, to try new things, to laugh and yes, even to open myself up to love again. I am starting to see things in a different way, in a more peaceful way. I enjoy nature more, seeing a blooming flower makes me smile and appreciate the beauty of my life. This is what I have, and I appreciate it.

But it isn't over yet. I know that to fully heal, I should forgive. This is the hardest thing for me to do. It is easy for me to forget than to forgive. But I am hoping that I forgive him, for two-timming me. I hope, for my sake.